The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 28): July 2014

 FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

As Summer continues, the guys from Simplistic Reviews get a little hot under the collar. This month DJ and Matt rip into Kate Mara for her contempt of comic book films and their fans, while also paying their debts in a new segment where they FINALLY review the 2004 Ice Cube motorcycle classic "Torque."

The guys also go over what they took away from this year's San Diego Comic-Con and get their quote on with another addition of Simply Quotable with the stakes even higher this time around.

All this, and so much more, on this month's edition of the Simplistic Review Podcast.


Show Notes:
Kate Mara on FF4

Ultron's got no strings

Torque Trailer

Baby Boy Trailer

Slaughter Film Action Movie Time Machine

Music Notes:

Rockford Files Theme

20/20 Theme

Game of Thrones Theme Remix

Soy Bomb By Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: April 2014 Late Edition

On this late edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matt, DJ, and Justin try to catch up on the month that was April.  They take their turn ridiculing soon to be former LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling then debut a new game called Simply Lying.  The losers of this game will have to watch and review the 2004 film Torque.  Yeah, they'd have been better off fighting to the death.  We do get a pretty decent Terrence Howard impersonation from Matthew out of it and learn some of the lesser known criminal activities of Samuel L. Jackson.  That, reactions to Star Wars casting, Julie's descent into HYDRA and much much more on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

 Show Notes:
DJ's Hidden Princess Bride Reference
X-Men Days Of Future Past
Donald Sterling
Hail Hydra
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
Torque

Music Notes:
Birds & Brass By Sort Of Soul
Liar Liar By The Castaways
Lawyers, Guns, And Money By Warren Zevon
The Best By Tina Turner

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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Dom Hemingway

Dom Hemingway - Customary

It occurs to me that if you want to be taken super serious as a British actor there are two things that you can do; 1) Play Doctor Who or Sherlock Holmes, or 2) Play some sort of British gangster with psychopathic tendencies who likes to drink, do blow, and say "cunt" a lot.  Don't be offended by the c-word, it was used strictly for scientific purposes. This brings me to "Dom Hemingway" a film that seems rather customary for British crime cinema, for better and worse.

"Hemingway" stars Jude Law as the titular character who is fresh out of prison after 12 years for keeping the secret of a Russian gangster named Mr. Fontaine. After his release, he reunites with his associate Dickie and the two meet Fontaine at his house in the country to celebrate and for Dom to be rewarded.  Things don't go as planned for Dom and by the end of the film he not only finds redemption, but a new lease on life, sort of.

As I mentioned before his is Law's "British Crime Film" following in the steps of actors such as Ben Kingsley, James McAvoy, Tom Hardy, and to a lesser degree, Daniel Craig. What sets Law's performance apart,m however, is the way that he's able to balance complete insanity with some genuinely tender moments throughout the film. Audiences might forget that Dom has not only lost 12 years of his life in prison, but also a wife to cancer and he missed his daughter growing up into the Mother of Dragons.....oops....sorry, I get my media mixed up sometimes.

This brings me to Emilia Clarke, who plays Dom's wayward daughter Evelyn. One, it's weird to not see her with long silver hair and speaking Dothraki, and two, maybe I'm just not a huge fan of her's.  Yes, I said it! I do not like the Khaleesi! Do I think she can act? Maybe in the right role.  I think her take on Daenerys Targaryen is fine, despite the fact I don't like the character, but in "Hemingway" I don't think she brings much to the table. This could be due to the fact that "Hemingway" is truly a showcase for Jude Law through and through, but even in her limited screen time I feel like she is shoehorned into the film to give Dom added conflicts in his life.

This is where I have a problem with the film. From an acting standpoint, Law is fantastic and makes the film watchable, but the plot-holes and what seems like a film simply filled with vignettes masquerading like a lesser-Wes Anderson film, falls short. Maybe I expected too much from "Hemingway" but without much of a story to work with, and a certain lack of closure come the end of the film, the only thing I could take away is Law's performance.

Directed by Richard Shepard, who was behind the vastly underrated "The Matador" you see a lot of similarities between the two films.  Mainly the way Shepard was able to take two likable guys, Pierce Brosnan in "Matador" and Law in "Hemingway" and turn them into scumbags with a lot of emotional baggage.  Shepard has the eye for the camera, but it's, like I said, the narrative that fails the film in the end.

Despite its shortcomings, "Hemingway" is still entirely watchable if you can look beyond some of the issues it has.  Personally, I'd love to see Law in these roles more often.  We've become accustomed to him as either Dr. Watson in the "Sherlock Holmes" films, or as a whiny nerd in films like "Closer" but roles like Dom Hemingway are surprisingly in his wheelhouse.

Fun Fact: Jude Law gained 30 pounds for his role in "Dom Hemingway."

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: The 2013 End of the Year Blowout Spectacular Jimmy - Jam

In the blink of an eye, 2013 is over and we look towards 2014 here on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  In this special edition of The Podcast, DJ, Justin, Matt, and Neal give their two-cents on the best and worst of the year in film and TV, and I'm sure a lot more.

Will "Grown Ups 2" stand alone as a worse mistake than Greedo shooting first, or will "White House Down" prove that Barack Obama is funnier than Jamie Foxx?

All of this and so much more on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  Happy New Year and see all you clowns in 2014.

Show Notes:
Best Films of 2013
Worst Films of 2013
Best TV of 2013

Music Notes:
"Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" By Chicago
"Your The Best" By Joe Esposito
"Background Music" By Seeburg
"Auld Lang Syne" By Kenny G

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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Thor: The Dark World (DJ's Take)

MIGHTY

The first Thor film was a charming and clever way to introduce the idea of gods and monsters to the relatively grounded Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Director Kenneth Branagh didn't shy away from the absurdity of gods/aliens from a magical kingdom visiting our planet/realm.  He dove headlong into it and used dry humor to take some of the edge off the skepticism. (Are you paying attention DC execs still trying to make a Wonder Woman film?)  After Thor's moderate box office success and a great deal of believability groundwork laid by Branagh and Joss Whedon in 2012's The Avengers, audiences were prepared to pull back their cynical blinders to see even more otherworldly spectacle.  Alan Taylor, an untouchable don from HBO's Game Of Thrones, grabbed the reigns for the sequel Thor: The Dark World.  And I am happy, and relieved to say that Taylor keeps the character and the series on an upward track.

Thor: The Dark World brings back The MIGHTY Avenger Thor and pits him and the people of Asgard up against a race of creatures called Dark Elves who intend on bringing back infinite darkness to the galaxy with the help of a mystical substance.  To put it more simply, Thor: The Dark World is a mcguffin film.  It is a mcguffin film much in the same way Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers was.  However, I appreciate that Alan Taylor and writer Christopher Yost used the trick of turning a character, who would be useless otherwise, into the mcguffin.  Jane Foster would typically serve the purpose of being the character who asks questions that trigger all of the expository explanations.  But here, her reasons for asking are vital to her character's immediate survival.  (I'm looking at you Man Of Steel)  The stakes are high, the action is intense, and the scope is much bigger than before.

Alan Taylor is right at home on a medieval battlefield, and it shows.  There is an invasion scene that began to remind me of the one in the Pitch Black sequel The Chronicles Of Riddick.  However, the danger and destruction seemed to hold more weight.  The battle was more visceral and imaginative.  Taylor offers the same comforting feeling to the Asgardian material as Branagh did.  The only place where Taylor seemed a little out of his depth was in the scenes shot on modern day earth.  The scenes with normal people.  It was reported that Joss Whedon was flown in to help fix a few scenes in the film, and I wouldn't be surprised if they involved Dr. Selvig, Jane Foster, and Darcy Lewis mucking about.  Thankfully, these scenes are minor bridges in between the battles and bedlam of the story.  Taylor should also get credit, though I'm not sure how much, for the great performances in the film.  None more so than that of Chris Hemsworth's Thor and Tom Hiddleston's Loki.          

Here is a little peek behind the curtain.  I usually choose a picture for my reviews that best personifies what I hated or, in this case, loved about what I'm reviewing.  Those two Asgardian gentlemen up above, and the arc their relationship takes, serves as the main reason to go see this film.  Their chemistry was a bit clumsy in the first Thor film.  Something I attribute to the rush in explaining the origins of these strange characters.  Since then, Thor and Loki's scenes together have become better and better.  This film displays the apex of their relationship thematically and performance-wise.  There is so much subtext in every interaction and argument they have.  It is obvious that these two actors not only have a perfect rapport, but they actually enjoy working with one another.  Natalie Portman's character of Jane Foster is less ditsy and naive then she was before.  However, Portman's talents still feel a bit wasted with this character.  If we didn't live in the generation of impatience, another half hour could have allowed more time to focus on Jane Foster's hinted rivalry with Lady Sif for Thor's affections.  All the other supporting characters come to play and seem to revel in every moment of screen time.  

Now don't let my praise of the Thor: The Dark World lead you to believe it is perfect.  There are a few flaws the audience has to get through.  The story takes a minute to truly get going, some of the well delivered dramatic moments and gravitas are occasionally short circuited by an ill timed joke, and there are some minor plot holes to navigate.  But the biggest weakness of the film, and I never figured I'd say this, is its antagonists.  The villain of the first Thor film was primarily Loki.  An almost perfect morally gray character with varying complexities and nuances.  A villain so rich in character, most fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe now cheer for him.  Hell, he all but dominated Comic-Con in a way usually reserved for people with the initials RDJ.  Malekith is a menacing and believable threat to Thor and even Odin.  However, he has about as much complexity and nuance as Inspector Gadget's nemesis Dr. Claw.  He's evil for evil's sake.  We learn little about him other than he and his people want the universe draped in darkness.  I may just be a bit bitter because with a character as deadly as Malekith, played by an actor the quality of a Christopher Eccleston, I expected more depth.

Thor: The Dark World is a rare sequel.  A sequel you'll love if you loved the original, and a sequel you might be more inclined to like even if you hated the original.  The characters are more focused and free to be who they are, the plot is more daring, and the scale is much larger.  Coming off of the mildly disappointing and geek enraging Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark World is a terrific cleanser of your comic book movie pallet.  Prepare for battle...watch out for rock monsters...and nude scientists...behold it...then tell me I'm wrong.

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: May Edition

May.....June....who cares?  It's another Simplistic Reviews Podcast posting in June, but they're talking about things in May.  Yeah, that's just how these clowns roll.

From Philip Seymour Hoffman's smack habit to the benefits of drinking whiskey during a podcast (thanks Matt), we got you covered.  Oh, and why HPV saved Michael Douglas' life.

The guys also unleash their newest segment "Hey Fu*khead" where they unload on people and things that are ruining the world and the sad lives of DJ, Justin, and Matt.

And for you TV-heads, our hosts take a look at the upcoming Fall TV schedule and break down what to see, what to watch with caution, and what to avoid like the plague.

Also, if you get tired of our site reading reviews, head over to SlaughterFilm.com, click on the link on their page, and get re-directed back to our site.  Counter-productive? I think not, because Cory and Forest are doing the Devil's work over on SlaughterFilm.

*Correction to podcast:  Alan Silvestri did not score the Friday the 13th films, it was actually Harry Manfredini.

Show Notes:

Hoffman's Habit
The Rains of Castamere
Best of Fall TV 2013
Deep Throating for HPV

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast : March 2013

You might ask yourself, "Hey Simplistic Reviews!  It's April, this isn't the March Podcast."  Well, yeah, you're right......that's all I got.  You got us listening public, this is the March Simplistic Reviews Podcast, posted in April.

We discuss everything from chocolate Easter bunnies to Peeps and even fit in some time to worship the Season Three Premiere of "Game of Thrones."

And while it seems like we have no shame (have you listened to any of our previous podcasts) we actually do, as we introduce a new segment, "Simply Ashamed" where we talk about crying, bestiality, and illegally recording "Ghost Rider," but not necessarily in that order.

So gather around the old iPod, or your Zune, bring grandma and enjoy the fun of The Simplistic Reviews March Podcast.


Click on the link below to download the podcast and enjoy folks!

Show Notes

Sexy Cartoon Babes
Game of Thrones Love
Understanding Shame

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Elite 8 Results: TV BAD

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER

CERSEI LANNISTER (8)

Every Cinderella story must come to an end; especially for a woman who has sex with her brother, makes said brother throw a young boy out of a tower, lie about it, have more sex with other family members, and oh yeah, be a total bi*ch!  Ben Linus shows why he is the master manipulator once again and sends Cersei all the way back to Lannisport in a pine box.  This Lannister just couldn't pay off her debts.

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Sweet 16 Results: TV BAD

BOYD CROWDER (5) 

CERSEI LANNISTER  (8) WINNER

The one thing you have to admire about Cersei is her survival instincts.  She seems to always get her way.  She can get more done with a goblet in her hand than Boyd could with a gun.  Even in defeat, Boyd could still probably respect that.

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER

TRINITY KILLER (6)

Ben Linus may not have the flare for the dramatic like T.K., but he always gets the job done.  He is relentless and getting his way and sometimes without even getting his hands dirty.

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Simplistic TV: Game of Thrones: Season Three Premiere

Game of Thrones: S3, EP:1-Valar Dohaeris - Duty

And just like that; it's back!  The long-awaited season premiere of Game of Thrones was unleashed upon an unsuspecting viewership on March 31st, 2013.  I mean if I was Jesus, just getting out of the grave, I would be so pumped that I get to continue my journey with Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, and our favorite boy-king, Joffery Baratheon.  However, before season three really kicks into high gear, I understand that it's the duty of the showrunners to get into the swing of things with an episode, while there were great moments, that needed to build up some tension, introduce, and re-introduce, some characters, and setup what is to come for the future of Westeros.

Valar Dohaeris, meaning in High Valyrian, all men must serve, is quite the appropriate title for the season opener.  We pick up right where season two left off, our favorite tubby Night's Watchmen, Samwell Tarly, running for his life from the newly-spawned, White Walkers.  What I like about what HBO did this time around is that they re-introduced the cold open, which hadn't been done in an episode or GoT since the series opener, and I hope its a trend that they finally keep this season.

Moving from North of the Wall, to a little further South, but still North of the Wall, we catch up with Jon Snow as he is being led to the Kind Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder, played by Ciaran Hinds.  A lot of people were criticizing the casting of Hinds as Rayder, but if there was anyone with acting chops to take on a meaty role like Mance Rayder, why not Hinds?  He already has HBO cred, playing Julius Caesar in HBO's "Rome" and he's simply a great actor.  I expect good things out of the Snow/Rayder dynamic.

Meanwhile, way down South, in King's Landing, Tyrion is coming to terms with his complete lack of power, but still think her deserves some credit for his battle plan against Stannis Baratheon's army during the Battle of Blackwater.  However his father Tywin Lannister, who has taken his "rightful" place as Hand of the King, has other plans for Tyrion.  What I found most interesting about the Tywin and Tyrion confrontation is that at a certain point I was gaining some respect for Tywin.  Sure, he's the head of the most hated, and feared, family in the Seven Kingdoms, but I saw something in Tywin that I respected beyond his ruthlessness and cunning nature.  But after his tirade to Tyrion, I'm questioning my respect, and I'm interested to see how this resentment plays out during the season between the father and son.

Across the Narrow Sea, we meet up with The Mother of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, who is seeing her dragons grow while trying to buy an army with the spoils she acquired after pillaging Quarth.  She arrives in Astapor, a slave colony, looking into purchasing a slave army called The Unsullied.  The army is owned by a ruthless, rude, and conniving master named Krazyns, who insults Dany in his native tongue.  On top of being insulted, Dany is also nearly assassinated by a young girl seemingly sent by the warlocks of Quarth.  Low and behold, her savior was not her sworn protector, Jorah Mormont, but the wayward Barristan Selmy, former captain of the King's Guard.

As the episode proceeds we also check in on Robb Stark, Davos Seaworth, Stannis, and Sansa Stark.  Every major character is touched on, some more than others, but there is still enough revealed get your curiosity going and seeing where all the characters end up come season end.  What is even more interesting is the fact that both season three and the forthcoming season four will cover book three of "A Story of Fire and Ice."  Where will season three end and four begin?  For you book readers I'm sure you already have a clue, but I won't spoil it for the rest of the readers.

To serve all men, as I pointed out earlier, is very appropriate for the premiere.  We are seeing who is serving who, and continued play for power from Westeros and beyond the Narrow Sea.  From the lowest service of The Unsullied to the highest of service by Tywin Lannister.  it seems that all who are within service are working at the whim of either a Mad King, a lowly slaver, and everywhere in between.  With the tone set early, it seems that service and loyalty will play a major part this season.

Overall, it looks like Season Three of GoT will be the most ambitious yet, with several major plot lines to play out, and new ones to begin.  It will be our duty as viewers to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride through, and beyond, Westeros.

Fun Fact:  In commemoration of GoT, American craft brewery Ommegang released a special edition beer called "Iron Throne" a Blonde Ale.  Check out what beer drinkers are saying about "Iron Throne" here.

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round Two Results: TV BAD

JOFFREY BARATHEON (1) 

CERSEI LANNISTER (8) WINNER

The only lady that could open hand slap the king and get away with it was Cersei Lannister.  Killing him isn't that far a step.  And seeing as she already has one king on her kill resume, it would be easy for her to kill another.   Sadly, its less depraved killing Joffrey than explaining the circumstances of how he was conceived.  (SHIVER)

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER

ANGELUS (7)

People underestimate Ben Linus at their own peril.  He's stared into the eyes of the smoke monster and lived.  A vampire is small potatoes to this master manipulator.  

RUSSELL EDGINGTON (3) 

TRINITY KILLER (6) WINNER

Much props for Edgington reminding us how an ACTUAL vampire is supposed to act. (I'M LOOKING AT YOU TWILIGHT).  However, serial killers, unlike vampires, can hide in plain sight.  No one sees them coming.

BOYD CROWDER (5) WINNER

NINA MYERS (4)

In the battle of smooth talking snakes in the grass, Boyd Crowder wins hands down.  He's a man that uses twenty words when three will do.  Sometimes to confuse you.  Sometimes to buy himself time to outwit you.  But always to win.  There isn't a con you can lay on him that he hasn't seen, done himself or done better.  

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round Two Results: TV GOOD

JACK BAUER (1) WINNER

TYRION LANNISTER (9)

Well, you can add midget to the magna carta long kill list of people Jack Bauer has sent to the next world.  All he needs is a wizard, a dinosaur, and a unicorn and he gets a free smoothie.

BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER

SHERLOCK HOLMES (7)

Much to the objection of fellow British smarty pants Giles, Buffy takes care of the world's greatest detective with relative ease.  Somewhere Moriarty is slapping his forehead muttering, "You're telling me all I needed was a stake?!"

TITUS PULLO (6)

RAYLAN GIVINS (3) WINNER

Pullo has Raylan beat physically, but Raylan could easily out think the rugged Roman warrior.  Knowing that Raylan has to deal with people as big and physically imposing a Titus F%*king Pullo on a daily basis makes me NEVER want to go to Kentucky.

XENA (5) WINNER 

OMAR LITTLE (4)

Omar may have been warring on the mean streets of Baltimore for his entire life, but Xena has been warring around uncivilized lands filled with wizards, gods, and god knows what else.  Oh and speaking of warring, it has been speculated that Xena's father was actually Ares.  Ares as in THE GOD OF F%*KING WAR.  Sorry Omar, its all in the game.

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: TV BAD

JOFFREY BARATHEON (1) WINNER

ATTI OF THE JULII (16)

Atti gets whatever she want by using the gift god gave her.  Her potent sexuality.  However, brat Baratheon usually doesn't take kindly to people using sex as a weapon on him.  Just as Tyrion and those badly beaten whores he sent Joff's way.  Baratheon wins...Atti dies.

BEN LINUS (2) WINNER 

THE GOVERNOR (15)

The Governor is a brutal master manipulator.  But where he has to juggle the wills of men and zombies, Ben Linus has even more on his plate.  Smoke monsters, polar bears, shapeshifting evil beings, time traveling islands,  and enough flashbacks to make a Vietnam vet blush.  On top of the fact that The Governor wasn't coldhearted enough to let his zombie daughter go.  Linus let his human daughter get her head blown off for his own purposes.  Linus wins and The Governor lost.

RUSSELL EDGINGTON (3) WINNER

GUS FRING (14)

When you get down to brass tacks, Russell Edgington and Gus Fring are both businessmen.  Only one wants to rule the human race and drain the blood of every non-vampire like cattle, and one wants to sell chicken and meth; easy enough to understand.  While both these bloodsuckers are master manipulators, Fring forgot one thing;  Edgington is FU*KING IMMORTAL!  Maybe if that meth was laced with silver nitrate and oak he would have had a chance, but Russell takes his battle easily.

NINA MYERS (4) WINNER

SYLAR (13)

There isn't a superpower out there that can compete with the evil of the 24's biggest snake in the grass, Nina Myers.  The thing that makes her so deadly is that you never see her coming.  Jack Bauer didn't and Sylar wouldn't either.  Time runs out for the power sucker.

BOYD CROWDER (5) WINNER

ROBERT QUARLES (12)

A sadist versus a slick, smooth talking, hustler from the south.  Robert Quarles has many a trick and pistol up his sleeve.  However, not enough to out wit and out battle the man I like to call The Redneck Joker.  Boyd manages to get his enemies to do his work for him and disarm Robert Quarles quick and simple like.

TRINITY KILLER (6) WINNER

PRESIDENT CHARLES LOGAN (11)

If there is one thing you can count on its this;  never trust a politician, especially a sniveling liar-of-a-president like Chuck Logan.  I mean, this guy killed our first black TV president for crying out loud!  But how does one sniveler defeat another sniveler?  Giving the Secret Service and the CIA a day off, the Commander in Chief doesn't have a chance against the Trinity Killer.  Using his patented "bludgeon a man to death with a hammer" routine, Trinity wins, and goes off to enjoy a scalding hot shower while crying.

ANGELUS (7) WINNER

SHANE VENDRELL (10)

One of the most dangerous things in this world is a desperate man.  And they don't get more desperate than Shane Vendrell.  However, desperation is exactly the thing a vampire like Angelus would prey on.  Sad thing is, that family Shane is always trying to protect would be an hors d'oeurve for our favorite vain vamp.   Hand grenade won't work this time Shane-O.

CERSEI LANNISTER (8) WINNER

STRINGER BELL (9)

Cersei Lannister knows how to manipulate; just as anyone from the Stark family, if you can find one.  Stringer Bell on the other hand, is a sucker.  While West Baltimore is no King's Landing, Cersei reigns supreme in any domain.

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The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: TV GOOD

ARYA STARK (16)

JACK BAUER (1) WINNER

If this matchup was based on potential badassery, Arya (SPOILER ALERT FOR THINGS TO COME) would win hands down.  However, Arya is just scratching the surface of being a badass. She's a survivor akin to Matilda in Leon: The Professional (Even here I had to refer to it).  Jack Bauer, on the other hand, has been a badass survivor for years.  Since the closest our country thought we'd get to a black president was the Allstate guy.  And if you think Bauer doesn't have what it takes to put young, sweet Arya down, I recall a time where Jack shot a suspect's wife in the leg in order to convince said suspect to give him a lead.  A lead that didn't even pan out.  He'd have no trouble wiping the floor with our favorite wayward Stark.

MAL REYNOLDS (15)

BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER

In the matchup I call "The Whedon War" our favorite space smuggler...um okay...our second favorite space smuggler Mal Reynolds found himself up against the vampire slaying extraordinaire Buffy Summers.  With their equal wit and back up partners thrown out the window, it would come down to physical prowess and resume.  Buffy has Mal beat with the physical.  And With Firefly lasting barely a season, Mal's body count can't compare with Buffy's resume of a thousand vamps slain, including her true love and DRACULA, hellmouths closed, demons decapitated, werewolves whacked, cyborgs stopped, inter-dimensional beings beaten, singing succeeded, and a triumph over the first evil EVER.  Buffy stakes her claim to victory.  And no the result have nothing to do with the fact I've had the hots for Sarah Michelle Gellar since I Know What You Did Last Summer. 

RAYLAN GIVENS (3) WINNER

DARYL DIXON (14)

Nobody loves a redneck good ol' boy until the zombie apocalypse hits.  When it does, it pays to have an ass kicking guy like Daryl Dixon by your side.  However, someone like Daryl Dixon is the type of guy US Marshall Raylan Givens HANDLES on a day to day basis in Harlan County.  I'd love to see the snark off before the shoot out alone.  However, Raylan dispatches Daryl lickety split.

OMAR LITTLE (4) WINNER

B.A. BARACUS (13)

Really?  The only two black guys in this conference go against each other?!  As the lone black reviewer for Simplistic Reviews, I would be offended if it wasn't for the fact THIS IS THE ONE MATCHUP I'D ACTUALLY PAY TO SEE.  Baracus is, by name alone, a badass.  However, he still has the discipline to follow Hannibal's orders.  Omar Little don't follow no one but Omar Little.  Hell, even the President loves him.  Now, you can either be a soldier, or you can go out to the streets and get into some real gangsta sh*t.  In the immortal words of Omar Little himself, "Indeed."

XENA (5) WINNER

RICK GRIMES (12)

Seeing as for the first three seasons of Walking Dead, all Rick Grimes did was get run over and guilt tripped to death by his despicable wife, how long do you think he'd last against A WARRIOR F*%KING PRINCESS.  Xena doesn't eat his brains but does eat his lunch.

TITUS PULLO (6) WINNER

RON SWANSON (11)

One is a savage,  no nonsense, barbarian of a man who is more comfortable wielding an axe in an ancient Colosseum than listening to the dodderings of the heads of state.  The other is Titus Pullo.  Ron Swanson was a man born in the wrong century for sure.  However, Pullo is more man than even Ron could handle.  The mustache did give him a fighting chance though.  

KARA "STARBUCK" THRACE (10)

SHERLOCK HOLMES (7) WINNER

Man, I hate to see two of my favorite TV characters go at it.  Starbuck is seriously one of the most groundbreaking female characters television has seen in a while.  She doesn't nearly get the recognition she deserves.  The best thing about Kara, however, is the worst thing.  She leads with her emotions at all times.  Something the world's greatest detective could easily exploit.  And unless your last name is Adler, your feminine wiles aren't working on good ol' Sherlock.  Sherlock wins...no sh*t. 

TYRION LANNISTER (9) WINNER

MICHAEL WESTEN (8)

The conference's first and only upset comes from the House of Lannister.  Michael Westen and Tyrion Lannister are great at thinking on the fly and surviving with whatever means they can muster.   However, Michael has been a sucker for manipulation from the beginning.  And no one manipulates better than Tyrion.  I'm not even gonna think of what he'd do to Fiona.  With the betting public in a frenzy this month, it is a good thing that a Lannister always pays his debts. 

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