The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 28): July 2014

 FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

As Summer continues, the guys from Simplistic Reviews get a little hot under the collar. This month DJ and Matt rip into Kate Mara for her contempt of comic book films and their fans, while also paying their debts in a new segment where they FINALLY review the 2004 Ice Cube motorcycle classic "Torque."

The guys also go over what they took away from this year's San Diego Comic-Con and get their quote on with another addition of Simply Quotable with the stakes even higher this time around.

All this, and so much more, on this month's edition of the Simplistic Review Podcast.


Show Notes:
Kate Mara on FF4

Ultron's got no strings

Torque Trailer

Baby Boy Trailer

Slaughter Film Action Movie Time Machine

Music Notes:

Rockford Files Theme

20/20 Theme

Game of Thrones Theme Remix

Soy Bomb By Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

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Impressive. Most Impressive

IMPRESSIVE

Disney is the illuminati.  I'm convinced.  But before I cower in fear at the thought of a rodent ruling the world, I will sit back in relish the mere possibilities Disney's acquisition of Lucasfilms present.  Disney owns Pixar.  Fine.  Disney owns ABC & ESPN.  Fine.  Disney Owns The Muppets.  Um...okay.  Disney owns Marvel.  Whoa.  Disney owns Star Wars.  Hold up!  Disney owns Indiana Jones.  Wait...what?!?  Disney owns ILM.  Oh, come on!  Disney owns the naming rights to Android phones.  You're sh*tting me.

So essentially you can wake up one morning, purchase tickets on your Mickey Mouse phone (Literally) for a Pixar film that has Captain America beating up Nazis with Indiana Jones and 67 years later joining  Iron Man and the Avengers as the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier is sucked into a wormhole that leads to an encounter with a green, big eared Jedi master in the Dagobah System, then come home and watch SportsCenter hosted by Stuart Scott and Kermit The F*cking Frog!  I think my film brain just orgasmed.  That is the world we are living in now.  And its a great world....That is until Disney begins plans for construction of a fully functioning and operational Death Star in Orlando.  Close your eyes...think about it...then try...just f*cking try..to tell me I'm wrong.

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The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods - Tribute

*There could be some spoilers in the links, so tread with care*

The 2012 Summer movie season is over and I saw all the big ones; The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Amazing Spider-Man (even though some people wouldn't agree that Spidey was a "big" Summer movie) and Prometheus.  Sure, you had The Bourne Legacy and a few other hyped movies, but my best experience came before Summer even started when "The Cabin in the Woods" FINALLY was unleashed to unsuspecting audiences in April.

Love letters are always nice when you get them from people that mean it, and people like Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard must really have a crush on me.  I feel like a mobster in "Goodfellas" and this is their Tribute to not only me, but everything they love as well.
 
The premise is simple; five stereotypes (including the nerd, jock, and stoner) are headed for a secluded cabin, are menaced by a "prophet of doom" and are attacked by monsters.  Like I said, simple.......WRONG.  Contrary to what people might think, this is a very self-aware tribute to genre films, and it's pulled off perfectly.

Due to this movie being delayed, its a tad funny to see Chris Hemsworth, you might have seen him in a few low-budget movies like "Thor" and "The Avengers," in one of his first roles.  You also get a few Whedon favorites like Amy Acker (Dollhouse) and Tom Lenk (Buffy and Angel)

Sprinkle some Evil Dead, a dash of Lovecraft, a sprinkle of '50s giant monster movies, and good dose of splatter/slasher films, and you have "The Cabin in the Woods."  This is definitely a trip you'd like to take, sure, you might end up tied up, gagged, and set on fire by people in white cherub masks, but at least you'll finally be able to see the "merman"

Fun Fact:  Please see "The White Board."  It's a magical experience.

 

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The Amazing Spider-Man

DESPERATE 

DESPERATE to keep the property at Sony to thusly prevent a possible Spidey sighting in Avengers 2, which would thusly lead to Marvel Studios earning an estimated BAGILLION dollars. (I Rounded Up)

DESPERATE to win over the hipster/Twilight audience with its emo, big haired, recluse, douche hero and his "Ready To Turn My Back On Everything, Including My Own Self Worth" love interest.

DESPERATE to make the film grim and dark like The Dark Knight, but sadly only accomplishing to make it poorly lit and soulless.

DESPERATE to be special and different with a highly promoted yet LAME half-baked Spidey secret origin, which they abandon before the film's midway point.

DESPERATE to not be like the first trilogy while poorly attempting to steal things from it.

DESPERATE to cast great actors but then relegating them to being only exposition spewing wallpaper.

DESPERATE to redefine the hero's core mantra but only managing to debase it into a vague, poorly delivered shrug of a purpose.

Some say the greatest inspiration is often born through desperation...good words.  I, however, don't see inspiration here.  I see a middle aged hoodlum, who managed to get a gun, trying to hold up a liquor store.  Unfortunately the cops showed up too fast and he is now using an old Korean woman as a human shield, desperately holding on to what little semblance of hope he has of escaping.  A slew of dumb ass decisions piling up to result in a chalk outline on a splotchy linoleum floor.  THAT is The Amazing Spider-Man.  If you waste your time and watch it, you'll be hard pressed to...tell me I'm wrong.

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