Slaughter Film Presents: Action Movie Time Machine - Jingle All the Way

GOOFY FUN

It is the holiday season and I bet you in the mood for something snowy and action packed. Am I right? Well all aboard the “Action Movie Time Machine” as we’ll be jingling all the way to some mid ‘90s holiday fun.

Hey! Quit your bitchin’, it’s got Arnold in it. Oh okay, if you are looking for a seriousaction flick that takes place during the holidays, you might want to check out “Long Kiss Goodnight” starring Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. But of course there is always “Die Hard”.

The year is 1996. The “Macarena” was a suicide educing dance craze that was storming the nation. It helped some forget the death of rapper Tupac. The “Uni-Bomber” was brought to justice, and the Nintendo 64 made it’s debut.

THE SKINNY

Our tale begins with Howard Langston, Arnold Schwarzenegger, an overworked executive who has made a bad habit of putting his job before his wife and son, Liz and Jamie. Howard recently forgot to go to his Jamie’s karate exhibition and now it’s the last stray. If Howard screws up one more time, he’ll lose them both for sure.

And just such an opportunity presents itself with Christmas. Liz told Howard months ago that he should pick up the wildly popular “Turbo Man” action figure for their son. “Turbo Man” is the new “Tickle Me Elmo” , every kid wants one, even Jamie, Jake Lloyd. Turbo Man is his favorite thing in the whole world. It goes without saying that Howard forgets to buy the toy, and the rest of the film is Howard frantically fumbling around like a man-baby trying not to disappoint his son.

The problem is that Howard isn’t the only one on the hunt for a Turbo Man. While at the local mall, traversing the waves of fat, last minute, toy hungry shoppers, he encounters Myron, Sinbad, a postal worker also on the hunt for Turbo Man. Howard and Myron compete against each other to land themselves a Turbo Man in time for Christmas. Hijinx ensue and neither man has their toy.

This lands Howard in the back of a warehouse looking to buy a “hot” Turbo Man from an underground league of hired Santas lead by “Mall Santa“, Jim Belushi. When Howard realizes that he’s being ripped off, he calls ‘em on it and a fight breaks out between Howard and “Huge Santa” played by Paul “The Big Show” Wight. Hijinx ensue and again, Howard is without the toy. There is also a tiny Santa played by Vern Troyer. “Jingle All the Way” is a regular Who’s Who.

Some other hijinx ensue that involve bombing a radio station, setting a neighbor’s house on fire and punching a reindeer in the face, then getting it hammered. Every word I just said is 100% true.

 

Liz and Jamie head downtown to watch the annual holiday parade with their neighbor Ted,Phil Hartman, and his son. Howard known that Ted is a bit of a Casanova, and when he sees them leave together he suspects the worst. Also, Howard knows that there will be a Turbo Man giveaway. He has to act quick if he’s going to save Christmas, as well as his family.

Once Howard arrives he is spotted by parade staff and is mistaken for the actor who will be donning the Turbo Man costume for the parade, and is quickly packed into the suit.

Howard does a pretty good job playing the part, even performing with other Turbo Man characters, until Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man’s arch nemesis, Dementor. The rest of the film plays out like a plot from an old superhero serial. Dementor holds Jamie ransom until his demands of a Turbo Man toy are met, and Turbo Man uses his jet pack to rescue Jamie, vanquish Dementor and save the day.

In the end, Howard had to become his son’s real life hero in order to earn his love. The End.

THE VERDICT

Well, that’s “Jingle All the Way”. It wouldn’t otherwise warrant an “Action Movie Time Machine” review, since it is a family film. A goofy one at that. But it is fun. It falls somewhere between it’s so bad it’s good and genuinely funny. Which is a strange way to describe it. The comedy isn’t strong, typical for a family film, but there are also some comedic gems hidden here and there.

It follows the standard formula of; A protagonist who is work obsessed and neglects his family. Something external forces this dummy to re-evaluate his priorities and apply himself. In this case it is his wife and son. Along the way hijinx ensue. This formula is the only way television execs make sit-coms anymore. And that’s why shows like “According to Jim” suck so hard.

What makes this film worth watching is all the “other stuff“. Seeing Schwarzenegger in his prime, acting like such a goof is a lot of fun. Almost as much fun as “Last Action Hero”. Playing the sit-com formula for slapstick laughs, juxtaposed against his bullet riddled and blood drenched career, for some reason, brings me joy.

Phil Hartman is the shit. It’s a shame there wasn’t more room for him in this film. He is a total highlight. Everything he has ever done is hilarious. The Pee-Wee Herman Show, News Radio, The Simpsons, SNL -- all gold! Sinbad isn’t half bad either. A lot of his postal worker traits and comments flew under the radar when I saw this as a kid, but as an adult, I caught every perverted and insane one of the.

The  stuff I don’t like so much about “Jingle All the Way”, like the big headed annoying kid and the stereotypical force family feelings, are easy to overlook. After all, it’s a holiday picture. There aren’t too many of them out there that stray from family feelings this time of year. And ya gotta love a movie with superheroes, even if they’re made up.

One other quick thing I like about “Jingle All the Way” is the toys. When Arnold is running around the mall you get to see all kinds of now vintage toys on the shelves. Oh the nostalgia. This is also a fun game to play while watching “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, a not so family friendly holiday movie.

So if you’re in the mood for something different -- something you can watch with the kiddies, “Jingle All the Way” is for you.

I’m Cory Carr and this concludes another trip on the “Action Movie Time Machine”. Until next time, Happy Holidays Punk!

For more from Cory, check out his website slaughterfilm.com, where he and his good friend Forest Taylor record weekly podcasts, reviewing the films that are legendary, even in Hell!

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast (Ep. 34): December 2014 Holiday Edition

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

Ho-Ho-Holy Sh%t!   It's December again and the boys at Simplistic Reviews has a show full of holiday cheer.  They've got partridges...pear trees....dreidels...Santa letters/threats...Olaf the snowman from Frozen...black stormtroopers...Kevin Feige: Stand-Up Comedian...megalomaniac Mickey Mouse...holiday movie spoilers...all that and more on the 2014 Holiday Edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Star Wars Trailer
Suicide Squad Casting
Spectre
Stand-Up Comedian from the 80s Fashion


Music Notes:
Christmas Is All Around Us By Billy Mack
My Flows is Tight By Lord Digga
Christmas Vacation By Mavis Staples
Christmas Time Is Here By The Vince Guaraldi Trio 

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The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: December Holiday Edition

'Tis the season to talk movies and TV...and R.Kelly...and...um... Jolene Blalock's disappearance...and Lara Flynn Boyle?  I'm pretty sure that's not how the song goes.

An oddly optimistic Justin Polizzi makes his triumphant return and unveils his latest character impression.  Neal DaSouza joins us again to talk some anime and take dictation.  DJ is confused over the midseason finale of The Walking Dead and discovers he has some sort of Die Hard Tourette's Syndrome.  Matt starts an all out war between people of the Jewish faith and jolly ol' Saint Nick in a new segment called Dear Santa.  And a crippled little boy is able to walk again at the end.  It's a Christmas Miracle!  Sorry, that last bit I made up or partially stole from Charles Dickens.  But I swear, the rest of that stuff does happen on the holiday edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

Show Notes:
Ellis From Die Hard
Police Academy
R.Kelly Cookie Song
Detective Quentin Lance
Akira
Jolene Blalock
Lara Flynn Boyle Is Melting

Music:
"Holiday Road" By Lindsey Buckingham
"Christmas In Hollis" By Run D.M.C.
"Christmas Time Is Here" By Vince Guaraldi
"The Best" By Tina Turner
"Let It Snow" By Vaughn Monroe

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.

Click HERE to listen to podcast

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 01

October is here and now is the time for the creeps and ghouls to infest your web browsers, and I"m not just talking about those adult sites that you frequent when your wife or husband aren't around.  No judgement.  But October is that time of the year where things get a little spooky and Simplistic Reviews welcomes everything creepy with open arms, paws, claws, webbed-feet, anything else that some mythical or murderous creature might have to grab things with.

HBO's "Tales from the Crypt" was a show that paid homage to the EC Comics from the 1950s.  Grisly images, paired with tales of morality which caught the ire of the US Government who went as far as to hold Senate Hearings about how comics were corrupting the nation's youth and driving a hearse straight to Hell.  Sounds like my type of comic books.  William Gaines, creator of the Tales from the Crypt comic line, was a pioneer in the industry and you can call him the Stan Lee of Horror Comics.  Come 1989, the geniuses at HBO decided it was time to pay tribute to EC and create a weekly half-horror horror show every Sunday, aptly named, "Tales from the Crypt."  Running nearly 100 episodes, from 1989 to 1995, "Tales" were comics come to life way before we had the Marvel Comics films.

As this series progresses, your host, Matt, will present his favorite episodes from all seven seasons.  The episodes will not be ranked and will only be classified by the season in which they appeared.  It's like trying to pick your favorite child, unless its the child that cries in public, throws food on the floor, and wets the bed.  That one is a winner!

So, in this first installment, "And All Through the House" is explained away.  There are a lot of cool aspects to this episode, namely, director Robert Zemeckis helmed this episode, and this is the only episode from the series that uses Christmas as the backdrop.

Check out the video companion above and prepare to enter "Tales from the Crypt."  If you dare.......

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Happy Holidays: Django Unchained

Django Unchained - Conversation

I've been hearing this a lot lately;  "Tarantino is back.....classic Tarantino," blah, blah, blah.  My question is; "What would you call classic Tarantino?"  Yes, he's known for his witty dialogue, mind-bending plot twists, and recently, alternative takes on important periods in U.S. and European history.  But I reiterate; "What would you call classic Tarantino?"  My answer:  There's no such thing!  People like to come off as smarter than they are, myself included, but of course I'm reviewing movies so I need to come off as a little bit of an expert, aka, dickhead.  Tarantino is Tarantino, you can't say any of his work is "classic Tarantino" because every film he makes is entirely original and nothing like the previous film he made.  Here's a practical example of two other directors to prove my point:  Take Ridley Scott.  He is known for his sci-fi epics, "Alien" and "Blade Runner."  After those two films he went in entirely different directions, please see "Gladiator" and "Matchstick Men" as examples.  Classic Scott would be sci-fi, and he went back to that with 'Prometheus" with mixed results.  Another director would be William Friedkin, known for taut thrillers and exciting crime work, please see "The French Connection" for a excellent example.  Friedkin left those movies for a while but returned with "Killer Joe" a taut thriller that keeps you on your toes with plenty of violence.  "Joe" would be classic Friedkin.  Digressing, enough talk about "Classic Tarantino." Yes, you can say a movie of his is a classic but enough saying "Classic Tarantino."  I feel it's something that someone says whose only seen "Kill Bill" and "Inglorious Basterds."  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest, but this brings me to Tarantino's newest "classic" the Southern-fried Spaghetti Western "Django Unchained."

"Django" is a modern day "Birth of a Nation," only with more guns, more talking, and the white man getting his comeuppance.  It's intriguing, noteworthy, timely, violent, offensive, and thought-provoking.  Not since 1997's "Amistad" has the issue of slavery been covered in such an unflattering light.  Whereas Steven Spielberg directed "Amistad" with his usual gravitas that includes a two-and-a-half hour history lesson, Tarantino directs with HIS usual gravitas that includes memorable characters, witty dialogue, graphic, sudden violence, but this time, with more maturity.  I might add that Tarantino had the added challenge of directing his first movie without the assistance of late-editor, Sally Menke, who passed away shortly after the premier of "Inglorious Basterds" in 2010.

Tarantino uses both the original 1960s "Django" film, starring Franco Nero, (who he also gives credit to during the opening credits for "Django") and the much-maligned (and probably still is) film "Mandingo" as a template for his newest blood-soaked revenge opus.  We follow Django, played with much restraint by Jamie Foxx, as he and Dr. King Schultz, a dentist turned bounty hunter played by Christoph Waltz, set out from Texas to Tennessee and into the dark heart of Mississippi to collect bounties and save Django's wife, Broomhilda, from the evil clutches of plantation owner Calvin Candie, played with conviction and maniacal delight by Leonardo DiCaprio.  Once again, the plot is easy to follow and unlike much Tarantino fare, is streamlined and doesn't deviate into his non-linear storytelling aside from a few flashbacks of both Django and Broomhilda.  In typical Tarantino fashion, he is also able to find humor in dark subject matter which ranges from KKK riders who are having disguise issues to cameos by the likes of Don Johnson playing a slave-owning Colonel Sanders, and Tarantino himself as an Australian slaver.

If you're a fan of Sergio Leone, or any Western, you'll love the vast landscapes that Tarantino uses to great effect and moments of tension between characters.  It's much like "Basterds" where the tension usually pays off with a grand crescendo of violence, blood, and dead bodies.  Contrary to what people might say about the violence in "Django," its nowhere as bad as some of the other stuff that is out there, but I think it's the context in which the violence is portrayed that might get some people's goats.  Aside from the physical violence, which runs the gamut of black on black, white on black, and black on white, there is also the assault of the dreaded "N-word." dum-dum-dum......the word that people still try and skate around as much as they can.  However, I don't have a problem with Tarantino's use of the word, especially in "Django." Spike Lee might have an issue with it, but when you haven't made a movie that matters since "Inside Man," I'd be a grumpy, short, black guy too.  The word pretty much takes on a character in-and-of itself.  It flows freely throughout the film, but you know what, it flowed freely in 1858, and it still flows freely today.  No matter your creed or race, everyone has said the word, either out loud or under their breathe.  George Carlin gave us the "Seven Words That You Can't Say," and thank goodness he didn't put this on the list.

Maybe it's my white guilt, but yes, I have black friends.  Does that give me the excuse to use the "N-word?" No, it doesn't.  There really isn't a need to use the word at all, but we still use it, even in casual conversation. While I was watching "Django," in a packed theater, I knew the dialogue was going to be chalk full of "the word that shall not be named," so i was waiting to hear some noise when stars like DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson starting dropping the "N-bomb" like it was going out of style.  But, alas, not a peep.  Perhaps people were prepared to hear that type of language, and if you've seen "Jackie Brown" you know that Tarantino loves using it in a casual sense.  The reason this word is effective, and makes sense in "Django," is the context.  Yes, slavers and plantation owners used this word freely (of course I don't know that for sure, but what would you expect racist slave owners to say in the 1850s).  Tarantino's dialogue has always been known to be both direct, and a zeitgeist for the time and place the story is taking place in.  He takes ugly language and somehow makes it beautiful and poetic.

The one problem I did have with "Django" was ironically enough the music.  Usually the music that QT picks is almost as important as his dialogue and characters, but this time around it seems like a cash-in.  There's original music from John Legend and Rick Ross (the first time in a Tarantino film that music was actually written for his films), and while you're not going to include music from the 1850s, why include the 808-thumping sounds of Ross.  In a film full of good ideas, this was by far the most awkward and perplexing.  It almost felt like a cheap MTV-type movie gimmick, see the trailer for "Gangster Squad" as a prime example.     

As most of Tarantino's films, there will be a lot of conversation about the violence, language, and how he takes portions of genre films that he loved and makes them his own.  But I find "Django" his most polarizing film.  You already have the line in the sand where many people think that he is tearing the scab off the topic of slavery and uncovering the ugly, but true, side to life in the South for African-Americans in the 1850s.  Others are saying the violence is too much in a post-Newtown world, while I'm saying, relax!  Sorry social crusaders, it's a movie, or maybe this time, it's a little more than a movie.  Maybe it's time to have a conversation about our ugly past.  Since the founding of our nation we have been gun-toting, slave-buying, violent jingoists.  As a society we crave violence in our films, video games, and news.  But the moment something tragic occurs it's time to tone it back.  Enough toning back, we have to face our past demons and prepare for new ones that are sure to come.  While "Django Unchained" might not be Tarantino's best film, it's an example of filmmaking where someone decides that we can't keep looking at our past through rose-colored glasses.  There were some despicable things, and people, in the work-up to the Civil War, and whether you like his style or not, no one spins a story quite like Quentin Tarantino who re-writes history again, sort of, with "Django Unchained."

Fun Fact:  The story of Broomhilda, or Brynhildr, is an old German legend that involves a Norse Valkyrie.  She was later popularized by Richard Wagner's "Ring" cycle opera series.

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Happy Holidays: Kill Bill

Kill Bill - Feet

After the brilliance of "Jackie Brown" and showing his critics that he wasn't just an exploiter of violence, our old friend, Quentin Tarantino, stood up, brushed the dirt off of his shoulders, straightened his tie, and said "Guess what motherfu*cker, I'm going to do an old-school kung-fu flick now!  What!"

Of course that's not what he said, but it would have been bad-ass if he did nonetheless.  After all the accolades of both "Pulp Fiction" and "Brown," Tarantino decided to work on his first pet project.  A true genre film that centered around one woman and her blood-thirsty quest for revenge against a group of assassins that tried to murder her on her wedding day.  That movie(s) is "Kill Bill" or as I like to call it "Uma's Got Some Hammertoe."

*I will be reviewing these films (Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2) as one film.  Sure, I could split it up into two reviews and make you wait for the second one just like QT made us wait in the theaters, but since it's the holiday season, I'll do you guys a solid.

As mentioned above, the core of "Bill" is a revenge film, wrapped in a Shaw Bros. movie, encased in a Shakespearean tragedy, tied up with a nice bloody bow.  You can take Tarantino's three previous films and throw them out the window; "Kill Bill" is a love letter to a by-gone era of 1970s chop-socky karate flicks that members of the Wu-Tang Clan were getting high to back in the early 1990s. (side note:  RZA of the Wu-Tang Clan was the music supervisor for Vol 1.)

Across a four-plus hour epic, if watched back-to-back, Tarantino takes us on a blood-spattered journey with The Bride, our protagonist, as she extracts revenge the best way she knows how; with a samurai sword crated by Hattori Hanzo and the Five-Finger Exploding Heart Technique taught to her by Pai Mei, the mysterious karate master.  If you grew up in the golden age of karate movies, watched "The Green Hornet" or were "Protectin' Ya Neck" with the Wu back in 1993, Tarantino creates a world that you can still put in the same universe as "Pulp Fiction" and "Jackie Brown" but fashions it in a way that makes it seem other-worldly.

The plot is simple, but its the way that Tarantino weaves this revenge yarn that's the treat.  Told through a series of flashbacks and his trademark non-linear format, we see The Bride training with Pai Mei, learn how to walk again starting with just one wiggle of one toe, her vengeance on the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, and finally her face-off with Bill himself.  Oh, I almost forgot;  plenty of Uma Thurman feet through both films.  No need to head over to your local adult video store if you love feet, because Tarantino shares your tastes.

I know I might be selling this movie short, and I'm withholding a ton of information, including plot twists, but my recommendation is to stop reading this review, go out and buy "Kill Bill" and enjoy it for all it's worth.  Thurman's turn as the killer bride is good, but its funny how she all but fell off the face of Hollywood after what you might call her magnum opus.  One of David Carradine's last roles as Bill is almost as iconic as his turn as Caine in "Kung-Fu," and the fight scenes, as over-stylized as they are, are extremely fun to watch with plenty of arterial spray.  Chill.....have a pill, and watch "Kill Bill."

Fun Fact:  If you want to get creative you could call "Fox Force Five," first mentioned by Mia Wallace in "Pulp Fiction," as a precursor to the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.  There was a Black fox, Asian fox, French fox, and two American foxes.  Coincidence?

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Happy Holidays: Jackie Brown

Jackie Brown - Comeback

Pam Grier was a big star in the 1970s.  I mean she was Foxy Brown (the original Foxy Brown, not this one, even though this one did have something to do with the following film) and Coffy.  She was the epitome of "the baddest bitch" (and not this shit either).  Pardon my language, after dealing with Tarantino flicks for the past two weeks I finally feel like I'm getting into character.  The novice Tarantino head will consider either "Pulp Fiction" or "Inglorious Basterds" his masterpiece (for the record I have no issues whatsoever with either film, they are both fantastic in their own rights) but "Jackie Brown" from 1997 is by far Tarantino's most accomplished effort and showed a master at work, in complete control of his cast and story while developing an alternate universe that paralleled, or maybe even intersected at times, his "Pulp"and "Reservoir Dog," universe.

A comeback can come in many shapes and sizes.  For "Brown" this was a comeback of sorts for both Grier and Robert Forster (who was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance) and also Tarantino himself.  Between the time "Pulp Fiction" premiered in 1994 and the release of "Brown," QT had hit some rough times.  Have you ever seen "Destiny Turns on the Radio"? And while "Four Rooms" was decent enough it was still a bomb.  Come 1997, he had a lot to prove, and by God, he proves it.

Like any great genre film, the plot is simple, yet complex.  We have an airline stewardess, played by Grier, who works for a small-time pimp and drug-runner named Ordell Robbie, played by Samuel L. Jackson (and for my money the best performance of his career).  Two ATF agents bust the stewardess and she heads to prison.  Enter the middle-age bail bondsman, who falls head over heels for our stewardess who has a plan to put an end to Robbie's career.  We have twists, double and triple-crosses, and enough quirky characters and quotable lines to shake a stick, or an AK-47, at.  "Brown" is an exercise in blaxplotation for the mod-set.

What makes "Brown" special is the fact that normally when books are taken and transformed from the written word to the silver screen, it's never done as good and you always hear the same comment, "the book was better."  Well, when the author of said book that you are adapting says that this is his favorite adaptation of his work, you got something good.  "Brown" is based on Elmore Leonard's novel "Rum Punch" from 1992.  You might remember another Leonard novel that was adapted shortly before "Brown," which was "Get Shorty" from 1995, starring John Travolta, who was Vincent Vega in "Pulp Fiction."  It's the circle of life baby.

Overall, if you want the perfect Tarantino flick to check out during the holidays, or anytime for that matter, it has to be "Jackie Brown."  While it might be the most unappreciated of his film repertoire, it's an exercise in writing, acting, and direction at the genre's best.

Fun Fact:  Have you ever payed close attention in "Pulp Fiction" to the music faintly played (between 2:30-2:35) in the hallway where Jules and Vincent are discussing foot massages?  That song is "Strawberry Letter 23" which you can also hear in this scene in "Jackie Brown."

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Happy Holidays: Love Actually

WARM

Full disclosure.  I'm not the biggest fan of the holiday season.  I pretty much peter out after Thanksgiving and pray for New Years to start.  Pretty sure me and the Grinch are cousins.  Full disclosure.  I'm not the biggest fan of romantic films.  They are generally very color by numbers predictable or tragic for tragedy's sake.  So, imagine my surprise when a film came along that combined both of my dislikes and still managed to knock my socks off.  Love Actually is that film.  For years I've held it up as my favorite, most watchable chic flick and my second favorite Christmas movie.  I'll get to the first later.  No matter how many times I watch it, I'm left with a WARM feeling that actually gets me in the holiday spirit...if only for a little while.

Love Actually comes to us from writer and, then, first time director Richard Curtis of Bridget Jones's Diary and Four Weddings and a Funeral fame.  The film is a collection of interwoven stories that explores the different aspects of love during the Christmas Season.  The stories range from slapstick comedy to heartfelt drama.  Some are hit and some are miss.  As a whole, however, they all compliment each other perfectly.

Love Actually set the ensamble films bar too high for puke inducing copycats like He's Just Not That Into You, Valentine's Day and New Years Eve to come close to reaching.  Ggack!  Just reading the titles of those films almost made me throw up a little.  You might think Love Actually out does those films because the quality of actors in it are amazing.  Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Keira Knightly, Martin Freeman, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, Laura Linney, Rowan Atkinson and many more.  However, I think its because Curtis just knows how to use his talent in the proper way.  Each actor is the right fit for their roles.  They aren't haphazardly thrown in to parts that we're forced to accept because they're Zach Efron or Taylor Swift.  If each side story were a full length film, the actor in place would still be properly cast.  The film, as a result, thrives because of these performances.  Especially those by Neeson, Rickman and Thompson.

Neeson's story about a suddenly widowed husband and his stepson is the most dramatic driving force in the film.  It is an almost frightening coincidence that this scenario would actually happen to Neeson later in life.  The story is extremely well done and has a rare great child actor performance in Thomas Sangster.  Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson's tale about a waning marriage and infidelity always evokes a different feeling in me every time I watch it.  You should really hate Rickman for straying from his wife.   However, Curtis presents the circumstances in such understandable way that you'll find yourself sympathizing.  Though, the tale that is sure to put a smile on your face has to be the one about Bill Nighy's aging rock star Billy Mack.  Of all the stories that I wished had a full length film or sequel, it would be Mack's.  Nighy's obvious nods to Mick Jagger and his brazen attitude toward those around him are easily the comedy high points of the film.

Love Actually is a great film to see if you want to feel good about Christmas but avoid the overly cliched shlock we're usually bombarded with.  I've made a habit of watching it every year.  I, then, immediately plop on Die Hard right after in order to keep my man card.  What?  Its my favorite Christmas film.  Don't judge me.  Watch it...watch your heart grow three sizes that day...plop on Die Hard after just to be safe...then tell me I'm wrong.

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31 Nights of Halloween, Silent Night Deadly Night

Silent Night Deadly Night: Killer
(1984, 79mins, Horror)

Prologue: 

This was one of the fantastic films I saw at the Exhumed Film Festivals that I went too back in the good days. Like Burial Ground, Silent Night Deadly Night was one of my favorites that I saw there. I might even go as far as saying, Silent Night Deadly Night might be my favorite do to the sheer fun of watching this inside a packed theater at 2am. To see a film that came out way before I even step onto this planet inside a theater is one of the greatest pleasures I have ever had. There is something awesome about seeing a film like this on the big screen.

NAUGHTY!

The Opening:

The film starts out on Christmas Eve 1971, with the family driving to see their grandfather (who was Back to the Future's Pa Peabody). Mom, Dad, Billy and Ricky come to talk to Grandpop, put he just stares straight when they try. Everyone then leaves except Billy, who Grandpop begins to talk too.

He asks, "You scared, ain't ya? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!" He then asked if Billy was good this year, Billy says no and Grandpop brings to laugh saying, "You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!" Then the parents just happen to come back in and Grandpop stops talking acting like he was before they had left.

We cut to a man robbing a convenience store. He's dressed as Santa and shoots the convenience store guy dead. (I'm sure you can see where this is going)

"31 bucks. Merry fucking Christmas."

We come back to the family driving, in which they run into our killer Santa on the side of the road. They stop to see if he needs help. He pulls out his gun and kills the father. Billy gets out and runs. The mother jumps out and Santa begins to rape her as Billy watches. Santa then kills the mother and screams out into the darkness for the boy.

NAUGHTY!

Then we cut to building with a sign that reads, Saint Mary's Home for Orphaned Children. 

NAUGHTY!

From here on the fun begins! 

Officer Miller: "Can you believe this? It's Christmas Eve and we got orders to bring in Santa Claus." 

Review:

Silent Night Deadly Night is a fantastic B-Movie! 

It is a fantastic horror film and even in my house a fantastic Christmas film. If you have not seen this film it is a must. Sure the acting is atrocious and everything is over the top but it is a flat out good time, with so much comedy you will be laughing a ton. The gore, the 80's nudity and the great story of a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing the shit out of people is enough to compel anyone to watch this B-movie masterpiece. After the first time I saw this film I wanted to watch it again, that's how much fun it is.

Anyone like a Classic 80's Montage! 

Ira Sims: [at closing time] "Seven o'clock... it's over! Time to get shit-faced!" 

NAUGHTY!

                                                                                    Epilogue:

When you finish this film, you will say to yourself. "Wow that was something, there is no way on earth they could make another that was better or even on par with the first one".

Well guess what they DID! They made the greatest sequel of all time...

Now For (Drum Roll)...

Silent Night Deadly Night: Part 2!


NAUGHTY!

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