Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 13

Happy post-Halloween you creeps!  In this 13th episode of Simply Horrifying we have an episode that probably is the most memorable in my opinion.  Being a child of the late 1980s and early 1990s one of my favorite movies has "The Goonies" and this episode, entitled "Undertaking Parlor" has the finger prints of "The Goonies" all over it.

A group of friends stumble upon a town conspiracy to kill it's riches residents and profit off of their funerals.  Starring John Glover as the town mortician and Data from "The Goonies" as Josh, the aspiring film director of the group, can three four friends put a stop to this evil plot or murder for profit.

Click the link above for the full review and don't forget to subscribe, comment, or leave us hate mail, if you dare......

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 12

There were days when vampires were vampires and not whiny little bitches who sparkle in front of mouth-breathers.  Vampires were bad-ass creatures of the night that seduced women and drained them of their blood while making them their vampire mates.  Those were the days, or nights, if you will.

On this episode of Simply Horrifying we take on a little tale entitled "The Reluctant Vampire."  A really strong episode from season three that finds Malcom McDowell as the titular vampire who works the night shift at the blood bank.  Fearing for his job when a blood shortage hits, he succumbs to his primal nature to save the bank.

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 11

What's scarier than a watching a stage version of "Hamlet?"  How about Jon Lovitz as the lead.  Of course I'm not putting Jon Lovitz down, even if Andy Dick did wish death upon him, I still think he's great.

"Top Billing" is another fine episode from the already great third season of "Tales from the Crypt."  The aforementioned Lovitz plays a down on his luck actor looking for his big break.  Seeing an ad for a stage production of "Hamlet" he thinks he's finally found it, or has he?

Click the link above for the latest edition of Simply Horrifying, if you dare.......

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 10

After a bit of dead silence, Simply Horrifying is back!  In this ghoulish offering we witness what some people will do for money.  Pretend to kill themselves mostly, but if you think there won't be any repercussions, you have to be out of your mind.

"The Trap" directed by Michael J. Fox, is an entry from the "Shock Suspenstories" line of comics where "Double Indemnity" is given a run for it's money.  Starring Bruce McGill and Teri Garr, as a couple just dying to make it rich, "The Trap" is one of the stronger early episodes from Season Three of "Tales from the Crypt."

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 09

Welcoming you back to the Crypt, this is Matt with another edition of Simply Horrifying.  As we creep into Season Three of "Tales from the Crypt" we start off with a real bang, and a snap, and a pluck of your eyeballs with the help of a circling vulture.

"Carrion Death" is not only a clever name, but it's also a damn good episode starring  Kyle MacLachlan as a murderer who not only just escaped death row, but just robbed a bank too.  What a go-getter.  With a cop in hot pursuit, Mexico in sight, and a pesky vulture looking to grab the leftovers, what will become of this unlikely trio?

For the full review, click the link above, if you dare.......

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 08

Welcome back to Simply Horrifying as we reach an end to Season Two of "Tales from the Crypt" with a twisted tale of secrets identities entitled, cleverly enough, "The Secret."  It's a nice wrap-up to the season that was arguably the strongest season out of the entire series.  Also of note was that this was the second episode in the series featuring Larry Drake, who you might remember as the psycho Santa in the Season One episode, "And All Through the House."

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 07

The number seven is lucky for some, but guess what, it isn't for you!  HAHAHA!  Well, you must be kind of lucky if you're back and ready to enjoy another episode of Simply Horrifying.  In this terrifying tale we see what it really takes to make it in show business as Morton Downey Jr stars in "Television Terror" one of the first haunted house-style stories to appear on "Tales from the Crypt."

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 06

Prepare for another murderous and marauding romp as we re-enter the Crypt for another edition of Simply Horrifying.  In one of the more interesting, and lighter, episodes we have Harry Anderson, who you might remember from "Night Court," as an artist working for "Tales from the Crypt" who's creations are suddenly taking on a life of their own after he begins taking experimental pills for his little "bedroom problem."  The episode is entitled "Korman's Kalamity," and while the episode is goofy and ridiculous it still have enough gore and monsters to come off as a little scary.

One other interesting tidbit is the fact that "Korman's" was directed by Rowdy Herrington, the man behind the 1989 classic, "Road House." Enough said.

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 05

Welcome to Hell Muthafu*ka!  Or....just welcome back to another edition of Simply Horrifying as we continue our jaunt down memory lane remembering some of the best episodes of "Tales from the Crypt."  In this episode, which is also one of my favorites, we have two comedians in the starring role, one being the immortal Don Rickles and the other being "Bobcat" Goldthwait, as two ventriloquists in "The Ventriloquist's Dummy."

Directed by Richard Donner, "Dummy" is the story of a retired ventriloquist and a young up-and-coming ventriloquist's attempt to back in big.  Remember a long time ago when ventriloquist's were treated like kings and women threw themselves at them wishing they were the puppets?  Well, neither do I.

This episode offers a pretty good twist and both comedians put out pretty good performances, mainly Rickles who is pretty convincing as the retired performing holding back a dark secret.  All in all, one of the better episodes from Season Two.

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 04

Welcome back fiendish freaks to another edition of Simply Horrifying.

"Cutting Cards" the third episode from Season Three stars Lance Henriksen, who you might remember from "Aliens" and "Pumpkinhead" and Kevin Tighe, who you might remember even better from "Road House" and who played Locke's Daddy in the TV series "Lost," as two high stakes gamblers with a love/hate relationship with each other.

Of course you know how gamblers get once the stakes get high; first you lose some money, then you lose your dignity, next thing you know you're playing Russian Roulette and are starting to lose fingers.  Hey, have you even been to Vegas?

This is Walter Hill's second episode as the director, his first since the show's inaugural episode, "The Man Who Was Death" which starred William Sadler, who also starred in the first "Tales From the Crypt" themed film, "Demon Knight."

While the episode is silly, it's still unnerving because you have to believe that there are plenty of people in the world that really do go this far when it comes to gambling.

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 03

 Welcome back gore-whores, for another edition of Simply Horrifying.  Leaving season one behind, we now embark into season two of "Tales from the Crypt" where things really start to pick up steam.  Being that the first season only had six episodes, it's pretty jarring to see that the sophomore season had a whopping 18 episodes.  Furthermore, a lot more celebrities (or at least celebrities from the early 90s) were showing up to star in episodes, as well as a few surprise directors, namely, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who directed the episode titled "The Switch."

All in all, season two was a huge jump for the series and set the tone for seasons 3-4 (which I personally think are the two strongest seasons).  Dead Right, starring Demi Moore and the almost unrecognizable, Jeffrey Tambor, is a ghoulish little story about one woman's desire to get rich quick.  The only problem is that she has to marry Charlie Marno, a loud, obnoxious, overweight man who might hold her key to a vast fortune.

Dead Right is a fun episode that ends with a nice twist that you should be used to if you've read the comics or are a veteran of the first season of "Tales."

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 02

As we delve deeper into the "Tales from the Crypt" catalog, I need to make an amendment to the above review.  In the review I state that Mary Harron was the only female to direct a "Tales from the Crypt" episode, and that isn't entirely true.  While there was a disproportionate ratio of male to female directors on the show, there were actually a few females to direct on the show, including Randa Haines, who directed a season two episode entitled, Judy, You're Not Yourself Today.  I just wanted to put that out there.

Now, as we forge a-dead (yes, I will be using puns from time to time), we come to an tale called "Collection Completed" directed by the aforementioned Mary Harron.  The story is fun, and reminds of something that might have been better suited for "Amazing Stories" but there is just enough gore and implication of terror to truly make the story creepy and memorable.

Check out the video companion above and prepare to enter "Tales from the Crypt."  If you dare.......

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Simplistic Reviews Presents: Simply Horrifying featuring Tales from the Crypt Ep. 01

October is here and now is the time for the creeps and ghouls to infest your web browsers, and I"m not just talking about those adult sites that you frequent when your wife or husband aren't around.  No judgement.  But October is that time of the year where things get a little spooky and Simplistic Reviews welcomes everything creepy with open arms, paws, claws, webbed-feet, anything else that some mythical or murderous creature might have to grab things with.

HBO's "Tales from the Crypt" was a show that paid homage to the EC Comics from the 1950s.  Grisly images, paired with tales of morality which caught the ire of the US Government who went as far as to hold Senate Hearings about how comics were corrupting the nation's youth and driving a hearse straight to Hell.  Sounds like my type of comic books.  William Gaines, creator of the Tales from the Crypt comic line, was a pioneer in the industry and you can call him the Stan Lee of Horror Comics.  Come 1989, the geniuses at HBO decided it was time to pay tribute to EC and create a weekly half-horror horror show every Sunday, aptly named, "Tales from the Crypt."  Running nearly 100 episodes, from 1989 to 1995, "Tales" were comics come to life way before we had the Marvel Comics films.

As this series progresses, your host, Matt, will present his favorite episodes from all seven seasons.  The episodes will not be ranked and will only be classified by the season in which they appeared.  It's like trying to pick your favorite child, unless its the child that cries in public, throws food on the floor, and wets the bed.  That one is a winner!

So, in this first installment, "And All Through the House" is explained away.  There are a lot of cool aspects to this episode, namely, director Robert Zemeckis helmed this episode, and this is the only episode from the series that uses Christmas as the backdrop.

Check out the video companion above and prepare to enter "Tales from the Crypt."  If you dare.......

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31 Nights of Halloween, Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight

Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight - Schlock

There is nothing wrong with schlock horror, especially when its well made schlock horror.  The schlockiest of schlock was back in the late-80s when "Tales From the Crypt" premiered on HBO, modeled after the controversial comic books from the 1950s.  There really isn't a need to get into "Tales" right now because I'm sure I'll talk more about it down the line.  In the meantime, let's keep the good times going on the "31 Nights of Halloween" with "Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight" from 1995.

By the time 1995 rolled around the final season of "Tales" had already ended (sadly) but HBO still had a relatively lucrative property, so the most logical step for the series had to be a movie; and thus "Demon Knight" was born.  "Knight" borrows a lot from other splatter films, and the creature designs have a "Evil Dead" "Hellraiser" and "From Dusk Till Dawn" influence all over them, ("Dawn" came out a year later in 1996).

The film takes place in the fictitious Wormwood, New Mexico where a mysterious drifter named Brayker, played by William Sadler, is on the run from a mysterious collector, played by Billy Zane.  Without giving anything away, Brayker is forced to band together with a group of misfits in a church-turned-boarding house against a demon horde looking to obtain a mysterious key filled with blood (there is a lot of mystery in this movie as you can tell).

All in all, "Demon Knight" is a crap ton of schlock, but fun schlock.  It has chills, spills, thrills, and a ton of blood.  Zane is a standout as "The Collector" and eats up all of his scenes, and the rest of the cast hold their own, including a young(er) Thomas Haden Church, and Jada Pinkett.before she added the Smith.

The shlock factor is in full effect for the entire movie, and actors are hamming it up, but it makes the movie fun and moves swiftly without getting bogged down in too much exposition (it's there, but it doesn't dampen the tone).  There's no reason not to check "Demon Knight." It's good clean, bald Billy Zane, fun.

Fun Fact:  Schlock, derived from Yiddish, means something cheap, shoddy, or inferior

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31 Nights of Halloween, Creepshow

Creepshow - Effective

*Let me preface before I get into the actual review.  The next 31 reviews will not be in any discernible order, they will simply be 31 horror/suspense/thriller movies that I enjoy and I think deserve to be reviewed.*

October is here and that means horror, horror, and more horror, and no Marlo Brando isn't invited.  As a kid growing up I always looked forward to October for all the horror movie marathons and the "money shot(s)" at the end was Halloween, free candy, go home and sort the candy, eat some candy, and watch more horror movies.  One of the earliest horror movies I remember, and remember scaring the living shit out of me, was the Stephen King/George Romero collaboration from 1982, "Creepshow."

Before "Creepshow" there were several horror anthologies including "Tales From the Crypt" (not that one, this one), "The House that Dripped Blood" in 1970 and "Trilogy of Terror" in 1975.  While these were all well and good, they lacked the blood-spilling, gut-wrenching horror that I desired, that is why "Creepshow" holds such a special place in my heart.

As with many anthologies, the premise is simple; there are anywhere from three to five stories with a wrap around that either begins and ends the film, and/or is used as a buffer in-between each story.  "Creepshow" features five stories ranging from zombies, plant growth that takes over the world, a monster in a crate, and of course, roaches.  There are highs and lows in the storytelling with the third story "Something to Tide You Over" being the weakest and the fourth story, "The Crate" being the standout, not just from a gore perspective, but also having the strongest characters/actors, including Adrienne Barbeau as a nagging drunk of a wife and Hal Holbrook as her long suffering husband.  The premise is simple, yet effective, just like the entire movie.

Other standouts include the creature effects, all done by Tom Savini.  You might know him from a few things, as well as the score by John Harrison, which is tits, the highlight being the main theme for "The Crate" segment.

I might be as bold as calling "Creepshow" one of my favorite horror movies of all time because it made such an impression on me as a kid, and its an old standby that I keep coming back to every Halloween season.

Fun Fact:  Billy, the son in the wrap-around story is actually Joe King, Stephen King's son.

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