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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: FILM GOOD

JAMES BOND (1) WINNER
TOXIC AVENGER (16)


One is a mutated, tutu-wearing, former gym janitor, the other is a secret agent that probably has had sex with a lot of girls who wear a tutu for a living.  New Jersey's own, Toxic Avenger, may have the moves with the mop, but it all comes down to James Bond's Golden Gun, and he wasn't firing blanks this time.  Bond delivers "From Russia, With Love" a victory for jolly ole' England.

INDIANA JONES (2) WINNER
TONY STARK (15) 










Tony may be a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.  However, Indy is an archeologist, professor, pilot, equestrian adventurer, WWII secret agent, playboy, oh...and survived the Ark Of The Convenant and drank water from THE HOLY F%*KING GRAIL.  Even Stark would have to give it up for that one.

JOHN McCLANE (3) WINNER
FOXY BROWN (14)










John McClane has always had tough luck with women.  He either divorces them or kills them.  This one he kills.

ELLEN RIPLEY (4)
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (13) WINNER











This goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway; Jack Sparrow knows how to charm a lady.  Even if that lady has faced Xenomorphs, androids, and criminal rapists in an intergalactic penal colony.  Savvy?  Ellen Ripley appears so.  However, before she can unload her pulse cannon, the crafty captain boards her ship, shivers her timbers, and hoists his main sail (innuendo).  I'm sure Ripley would welcome a facehugger after a night with Captain Jack Sparrow, who upsets one of the heavy hitters in this bracket.

HAN SOLO (5) WINNER
HIT-GIRL (12)











Han shot first...nuff said. 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (6) WINNER
BEATRIX KIDDO (11)











Beatrix Kiddo may be a world class assassin , but she has always been a sucker for charismatic older men.  And they don't get any more charismatic than James T. Kirk.  Suffice to say Kirk gives The Bride the night of her life before setting his phaser to kill.

MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS (7)
SARAH CONNOR (10) WINNER











It was that time of the month...You know what I mean guys...you know.

BATMAN (8) WINNER
JASON BOURNE (9)











Batman has dealt with his share of criminals, killers, and psychotics.  But I can't say he's dealt with an ex-CIA agent with a bad case of amnesia, a chip on his shoulder, and the ability to kill someone with a pencil or a book.  The Dark Knight had to pull out all of the tricks from his utility belt to deal with Jason Bourne, who got in a few early shots.  However, he was ultimately dealt a mortal wound courtesy of a Batarang.  He might not be Deadshot, but Bourne was merely a shot away from dispatching Gotham's protector in this hotly contested battle.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: FILM BAD


DOLORES UMBRIDGE (16)
HANNIBAL LECTER (1) WINNER



What do you get when you have a psychopathic, cannibalistic, former-psychologist and a megalomaniacal headmistress in cahoots with an all powerful dark sorcerer?  One hell of an opening match-up.  While Dolores Umbridge was able to sneak in a few snide remarks, Hannibal "The Cannibal" asked for some "Quid pro quo" and followed it up by filleting her and eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  Bottom line; wearing purple and pink never got anyone, anywhere.  Winner: Lecter.

MAX CADY (15)
THE JOKER (2) WINNER









Max Cady is a guy that takes things way too serious.  I mean, sure, you spent a few years in jail, you don't have to bite a woman's cheek off during rough sex.  The Joker asks "Why so serious?"  Cady reads a bible verse, but before he can say "Amen" the Clown Prince of Crime shows him how he got his scars, and Cady is up the river without a paddle.  Victory: The Joker.

FRANK BOOTH (14)
KHAN NOONIEN SINGH (3) WINNER










Frank Booth is psychotic.  Khan is moody.  You would think that Booth would have a chance against a guy that's simply moody.  The only problem is that Khan will stop at nothing for revenge.  While Booth is distracted by Khan's "velvet" like hair, he turns on Genesis, and easily wins this fight.  Khan tried to be a good neighbor, but instead sent Booth straight to hell with a love letter straight from his heart.

BIFF TANNEN (13)
DARTH VADER (4) WINNER











"You failed me for the last time, Tannen"
"Listen......*cough*.....butthead."
"I told you two coats of wax on my TIE fighter, not one."
To say the least, The Force was not with Biff.  Vader wins.  Impressive

HANS GRUBER (5)
JOHN DOE (12) WINNER











Two men, two different plans.  What John Doe lacks in fashion sense, me makes up with patience and of course a strap-on with a knife attached.  Hans might have a collection of Valentino suits and an accent that might get him on TV, but even that doesn't stop Doe from claiming a major upset in this battle of Bad vs. Evil.  Becoming Envious:  John Doe wins.

COMMODUS (6) WINNER
PATRICK BATEMAN (11) 











One guy will bathe in a child's blood.  The other, well, he'll probably bathe in it after he drinks a pint or two while listening to Huey Lewis & The News.  Pat Bateman might be able to get a 9:00 pm res at Crayons, but Commodus will simply give a thumbs down and you'll have a spear through your back.  While Bateman put up a fight, he was simply too square to be hip.  Commodus takes this fight easily, and is late for his 9:00 pm orgy.

ANNIE WILKES (7) WINNER
FREDDY KRUEGER (10)











Hell hath no fury like a woman who's favorite book character is killed off.  Freddy is more of a TV guy himself, and while he tries to "Welcome Annie Wilkes to Prime Time, bitch" she simply isn't having it.  With a few sledgehammer swings, Wilkes walks away with the win, while Kreuger is left trying to fit his head back into his fedora.

AGENT SMITH (9)
ALEX FORREST (8) WINNER










There might be a lot of Agent Smiths', but like Annie Wilkes, hell hath no fury like a woman........with 80s hair, and an affinity for rabbit stew.  Alex Forrest has no problem not being ignored by our favorite Matrix Agent, as she fakes a drowning, only to stab him in his digitized back.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Olympus Has Fallen

IMPLAUSIBLE

Really?  Really??  You got to be kidding me...I'm...sorry, I should be professional here.  However, I'm literally slack-jawed after watching Olympus Has Fallen.  Dumbstruck.  Flabbergasted.  At a loss.  Flummoxed.  Perplexed.  Confused.  Baffled.  My shoulder and neck hurt after having tilted my head to the side at the countless IMPLAUSIBLE and ridiculous moments in this film.  And I expected it!  I...I just can't.  Okay, let me gather myself.  (Whew!)  Olympus Has Fallen is the Antoine Fuqua directed....WAIT...Fuqua directed this!?  The man behind one of my favorite films Training Day directed this mockery?!?  Tyler Perry makes a film a month and Fuqua gets stuck with crap stains like this?  Sorry, sorry.  Olympus Has Fallen is the...(gulp)...Antoine Fuqua directed film about a Korean attack on American soil.  Sound familiar?  Well it should.  Because you just got through NOT seeing the same concept in the abysmal Red Dawn remake.  Oh..oh this time it is the White House, not rural America.  That'll make it better.  NO!  No.  It doesn't.

How does the White House....THE MOST secured building IN THE WORLD get taken over you ask?

(SPOILER ALERT)

An airplane with more countermeasures than a Transformer and the most organized attacking force I've ever seen in my entire life.  Seriously.  The Red Skull and Loki both wielding the cosmic cube couldn't organize an attack this precise and infallible.  Patton himself running Skynet robots couldn't pull off an attack this perfect.  At one point I thought the entire population of downtown DC was just armed North Korean terrorists.  They come out of nowhere and just happened to ALL get mere feet away from, again...THE MOST SECURED BUILDING IN THE WORLD.  The supposed secret service decide the best way to stop a bunch of terrorist firing at them with a .50 cal is to just walk directly into the gunfire, bullets be damned.  If it was revealed later that this film was produced by the government in order to get the North Koreans to attempt something this stupid and IMPLAUSIBLE in order to legitimize us kicking their asses then nuking them, I'd buy it.

(END OF SPOILERS)

Look, I try my best not to spoil movies here on the site.  However, I find it to be irresponsible of me as a human being not to prepare you for whats in store if you do plan on seeing this film.  And for those saying that this is like Die Hard in the White House...Like DIE HARD in any shape, form, or F*%KING capacity...shame on you.  Shame...on...you.  You need to slap yourself in the face three times, genuflect to the awesomeness that is John McClane, put in Die Hard, then write a ten page apology letter to Bruce Willis and John McTiernan (In prison) for ever uttering Die Hard in the same paragraph as Olympus Has Fallen.

The acting in this is over the top.  It is cliched and wooden.  It is paint by numbers.  How can a film this stereotypically bad garner talent like Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, and...well Gerard Butler does anything nowadays.  When Sly and his Expendables do films like these, we eat it up because they are being ironic and nostalgically nodding to their earlier classics.  There are no expectations of weight to the performances.  But when you start sprinkling in Academy Award nominees in a film like this, it feels like you just caught them slumming it with some alleyway street walker on the LA strip at three in the morning.  They are all better than this.  Even you Butler.

Olympus Has Fallen is a big budget film that still has a direct to DVD feel.  All the stars and horribly CGIed fireworks they throw at it still can't polish this turd of a film.  If you watch it...brace yourself...then try to tell me I'm wrong.

(Sigh) Well, at least this will probably be the last film using this stupid White House under siege plot for a while.  (SUDDENLY HANDED A PIECE OF PAPER) I've just been informed that a film in June starring Jaime Foxx and Channing Tatum will be about the White House under siege.  And it will be directed by Roland Emmerich.

I'm moving to Canada.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Simplistic Reviews March Madness Bracket of Good and Evil Round One Results: TV GOOD


ARYA STARK (16)
JACK BAUER (1) WINNER

If this matchup was based on potential badassery, Arya (SPOILER ALERT FOR THINGS TO COME) would win hands down.  However, Arya is just scratching the surface of being a badass. She's a survivor akin to Matilda in Leon: The Professional (Even here I had to refer to it).  Jack Bauer, on the other hand, has been a badass survivor for years.  Since the closest our country thought we'd get to a black president was the Allstate guy.  And if you think Bauer doesn't have what it takes to put young, sweet Arya down, I recall a time where Jack shot a suspect's wife in the leg in order to convince said suspect to give him a lead.  A lead that didn't even pan out.  He'd have no trouble wiping the floor with our favorite wayward Stark.

MAL REYNOLDS (15)
BUFFY SUMMERS (2) WINNER











In the matchup I call "The Whedon War" our favorite space smuggler...um okay...our second favorite space smuggler Mal Reynolds found himself up against the vampire slaying extraordinaire Buffy Summers.  With their equal wit and back up partners thrown out the window, it would come down to physical prowess and resume.  Buffy has Mal beat with the physical.  And With Firefly lasting barely a season, Mal's body count can't compare with Buffy's resume of a thousand vamps slain, including her true love and DRACULA, hellmouths closed, demons decapitated, werewolves whacked, cyborgs stopped, inter-dimensional beings beaten, singing succeeded, and a triumph over the first evil EVER.  Buffy stakes her claim to victory.  And no the result have nothing to do with the fact I've had the hots for Sarah Michelle Gellar since I Know What You Did Last Summer. 

RAYLAN GIVENS (3) WINNER
DARYL DIXON (14)










Nobody loves a redneck good ol' boy until the zombie apocalypse hits.  When it does, it pays to have an ass kicking guy like Daryl Dixon by your side.  However, someone like Daryl Dixon is the type of guy US Marshall Raylan Givens HANDLES on a day to day basis in Harlan County.  I'd love to see the snark off before the shoot out alone.  However, Raylan dispatches Daryl lickety split.

OMAR LITTLE (4) WINNER
B.A. BARACUS (13)










Really?  The only two black guys in this conference go against each other?!  As the lone black reviewer for Simplistic Reviews, I would be offended if it wasn't for the fact THIS IS THE ONE MATCHUP I'D ACTUALLY PAY TO SEE.  Baracus is, by name alone, a badass.  However, he still has the discipline to follow Hannibal's orders.  Omar Little don't follow no one but Omar Little.  Hell, even the President loves him.  Now, you can either be a soldier, or you can go out to the streets and get into some real gangsta sh*t.  In the immortal words of Omar Little himself, "Indeed."

XENA (5) WINNER
RICK GRIMES (12)










Seeing as for the first three seasons of Walking Dead, all Rick Grimes did was get run over and guilt tripped to death by his despicable wife, how long do you think he'd last against A WARRIOR F*%KING PRINCESS.  Xena doesn't eat his brains but does eat his lunch.

TITUS PULLO (6) WINNER
RON SWANSON (11)










One is a savage,  no nonsense, barbarian of a man who is more comfortable wielding an axe in an ancient Colosseum than listening to the dodderings of the heads of state.  The other is Titus Pullo.  Ron Swanson was a man born in the wrong century for sure.  However, Pullo is more man than even Ron could handle.  The mustache did give him a fighting chance though.  

KARA "STARBUCK" THRACE (10)
SHERLOCK HOLMES (7) WINNER










Man, I hate to see two of my favorite TV characters go at it.  Starbuck is seriously one of the most groundbreaking female characters television has seen in a while.  She doesn't nearly get the recognition she deserves.  The best thing about Kara, however, is the worst thing.  She leads with her emotions at all times.  Something the world's greatest detective could easily exploit.  And unless your last name is Adler, your feminine wiles aren't working on good ol' Sherlock.  Sherlock wins...no sh*t. 

TYRION LANNISTER (9) WINNER
MICHAEL WESTEN (8)










The conference's first and only upset comes from the House of Lannister.  Michael Westen and Tyrion Lannister are great at thinking on the fly and surviving with whatever means they can muster.   However, Michael has been a sucker for manipulation from the beginning.  And no one manipulates better than Tyrion.  I'm not even gonna think of what he'd do to Fiona.  With the betting public in a frenzy this month, it is a good thing that a Lannister always pays his debts. 

Spring Breakers

Spring Breakers - Guilty

Every once in a while, a film comes around that changes your life.  A film that you'll tell your kids and grand-kids that ushered in a new wave of cinema.  A film that will be a landmark moment where all film-goers collectively get out of their seats, and initiate "the slow clap."  A film that will be broken down in film schools across the world and film historians will bring up in conversations with the likes of "American Beauty", "Casablanca", and "8 1/2."  Well, this isn't this film, not even close, but despite what a lot of people have said, and are saying, "Spring Breakers" might not be pretty, but it just might be the biggest guilty pleasure film in recent memory.

"Breakers" can be lumped into two categories; it's either a soft-core porn that is cashing in on the popularity of "Disney girls" who are trying to break free of their kiddie-image, but they are being exploited just as bad, if not worse.  Or, you can look at it as a caricature of Spring Break culture that you might have seen on MTV back in the early 1990s, and an expose on small town life versus "the real world."  I promise, I will not dig that deep into this movie, because if you go into "Breakers" looking for deep meaning or a reason why the movie was made you are going to miss out on a film that is super fun, super awesome, and super stupid, but stupid in that way that you might have said back in the 1990s, ie, STUPID FRESH!

In case you haven't heard, the plot is simple.  Four friends, Candy, Cotty, Brit, and Faith, don't have enough money to go to Spring Break in Tampa/St. Pete, Florida so they do what any rational young college student would do; rob a restaurant to finance their trip.  After their successful robbery, the four girls head to Spring Break for the time of their lives, that is until they're arrested and the party is over, or is it?  Bailed out of jail by a small-time gangster named Alien, played by James Franco in probably his most memorable role to date, things go from bad to worse for the four friends as they leave behind their dreams of the best Spring Break ever, and it turns into a nightmare.....or does it?

Part of the fun of "Breakers" is not knowing fully what the film is about.  Yes, at heart, it's a skin flick that shows PLENTY of boobs, close up shots of crotchal areas, and any parent's nightmare of what their precious little boys and girls are doing in vacation resorts around the country from late March to April.  Yes parents, your kids are probably having unprotected sex all over the place, while doing funnels of Natty Light, after doing coke off a townie's ass.  C'mon, we've all been there before.

A few things surprised me about "Breakers" besides the fact that I truly enjoyed it, almost too much in fact.  Say what you will about Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens; but they can act.  Yes, I said it, they can act.  I was almost surprised at how down and dirty they got, especially Hudgens, who gives the 2nd best performance in the film, but that best performance goes to Franco, who creates a character that is part Tony Montana, part Saul from "Pineapple Express," and part rapper Paul Wall.  His creation of Alien is in fact other worldly, and his "Look at my shit!" and for lack of a better term, gun blowjob scene, are the highlights of the film. And like my co-reviewer said in his "OZ" review, Franco loves to mug for the camera, and he's at his best in "Breakers" completely self-aware that he is in complete control of character.  Oh, by the way, for you wresting fans, your old pal Double J, Jeff Jarrett, makes a cameo as a Jesus freak.  Yes, that Jeff Jarrett.

This film is polarizing, and people are either going to love it or hate it, just like most of Harmony Korine's films.  Let me put it this way, if you've seen "Kids" and "Gummo" and you hated them, save yourself  the money or just be lame and watch "The Croods" or "Tyler Perry's: Temptation."

"Spring Breakers"......."Spring Breakers" forever.........

Fun Fact:  Jeff Jarrett, while wrestling for the WWE, was a six-time Intercontinental Champion, a record at the time, which was broken in 2004.

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