Simplistic Reviews Presents: Two Kinds Of People (Episode 9)

The world isn't complicated.  Its simple.  So simple, that everyone in it can be broken down into to kinds of people.  See which one you are.

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Double-ovember: The Man With The Golden Gun

STYLISH

The first Bond film I'm reviewing this month was the first Bond movie I ever saw.  So, it might explain my love for Roger Moore.  Yes, Sean Connery is the best Bond.  Yes, Moore was more punchline than punch.  But as a kid, he was my introduction into the world of Bond.  And the world of The Man With The Golden Gun was a world that shattered any preconceived notions I had for a good guy versus bad guy film.

James Bond isn't some "golly-gee" farm-boy from Smallville who does whats right no matter what.  James Bond isn't some selfless trust fund baby who strikes fear in the hearts of criminals when night falls.  James Bond isn't some nerdy photographer with superpowers who is entirely hung up on responsibility.  James Bond is actually...well...an asshole.  Hell!  He's somewhat of a misogynistic asshole.  Double Hell!  He's somewhat of a cold blooded murdering misogynistic asshole.   James Bond doesn't wear a mask to protect the people he cares about.  He doesn't use an alias to protect the government he works for.  He doesn't fight fair.  He doesn't follow orders.  He might technically be the worst spy on paper ever.  And we love him for it.   He's the longest running antihero in cinema history.  Bond does things that we want to do, but our better natures won't allow us to.  And he does them with STYLE. 

The Man With The Golden Gun, or Bond IX, is about 007 tracking down and killing the world's  deadliest assassin before he returns the favor in kind.  An assassin that uses a golden gun.  Um...that's it.  Sure, there is a solar energy subplot tossed in there, but its more sub than plot.   The film can be summed up in caveman terms.  Bond hunt bad guy.  Bond find bad guy.  Bond kill bad guy.  It is such a simple and badass premise, its a wonder why Hollywood action films nowadays, other than Dredd 3D & The Raid, overcomplicate themselves.  The Man With The Golden Gun sets up a fight between two pitbulls and lets them duke it out in the final act.    

A Bond film is usually measured by three primary factors.  The Bond girls, the Bond gadgets, and the Bond villains.  Let me start with the girls.  Unlike our misogynistic hero, I like it when Bond's femme fatales have equal footing with him.  Sadly, in The Man With The Golden Gun, the Bond girls are lacking in any type of equality.  They fall into archetypes used many times before and after this film.  The reluctant mistress of the villain and the admiring rookie agent.  However, they serve as little else than a subservient pawn piece for Bond to move around.  Maud Adams's character of Andrea Anders pales in comparison to the character of Octopussy, who she played years later.   Mary Goodnight is literally described as the "astoundingly dumb blonde British agent".  So you know what you're getting there.  You can attribute the minimized Bond girl personality to either the era or the fact they wanted to focus more on the villain.   However, it becomes a glaring weakness of the film.  

As far as the gadgets go,  they are few and far between in this film.  The only one of any real importance is the infamous golden gun.  Again, when I was a kid, nothing was cooler than Christopher Lee assembling his golden gun and blowing someone away.  Being older now, I can see how people can see it as goofy.  However, you have to respect the elegance and simplicity of the idea.
    

The Man With The Golden Gun has arguably the greatest Bond villain of all time in Francisco Scaramanga.  He is played superbly by the always devious Christopher Lee.  A cousin of Bond scribe Ian Fleming.  Allow me to put his awesomeness in the proper perspective.  For recreation...RECREATION MIND YOU...Scaramanga practices killing people by...KILLING PEOPLE!  He makes arrangements for their arrival to his home, disarms himself, pays them...TO TRY AND KILL HIM...then beats them to the punch.  He's so cool, the cold open of the film is entirely dedicated to him.  He has skill.  He has STYLE.  He has a third nipple.  Uh...yeah...he has a third nipple...but who cares?!  He more than holds his own with Bond.  To this day, I measure all Bond villains to him.  And Nick Nack.  Ohhhhhh Nick Nack.  It takes balls to have a henchman in a Bond film be a dwarf.  Herve Villechaize's great performance propelled Nick Nack into becoming one of the most iconic Bond characters of all time.  There wouldn't be a Mini-Me without a Nick Nack.   

In the lexicon of Bond, The Man With The Golden Gun always stands out near the top.  Not because it is the best film.  Its not.  It stands out because it possesses so many of the STYLISH elements of the James Bond franchise.  Put on a tux...order a martini(You know how)...sing along with Lulu...watch it...then tell me I'm wrong.  

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MONTH IN REVIEW

FAV of the month

Creepshow 
Review

SoSo of the month

Burial Ground

Review

HATE of the month

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Review

TV SHOW of the month
 The Walking Dead, Season Three Premier
Review

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31 Nights of Halloween, Silent Night Deadly Night: Part 2

Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2: Breathtaking
(88mins, 1987, Horror)

Prologue:

Unlike the first film I did not get to see this in the theater. Hopefully one day I can (its one of my goals in life). After seeing the classic Silent Night Deadly Night, I needed to watch it again. I looked high and low for the DVD and finally stumbled a pond a double feature with an, at the time unknown, Part 2---Wait what a Part 2? I bought that DVD right away. Once it came I popped it in the player and made some popcorn, little did I know that film would changed my life forever. I called the gang that saw the first one and told them to come over so we could all get together to watch this film. It made so much of an impression on us we couldn't stop quoting the film. We never seen a film had so many classic lines like this. This was the days pre-YouTube and if I said GARBAGE DAY!, no one would know what the hell I was saying. This is the B-movie of B-movies, one that will live long after I'm gone. I have nothing but love for this badly made film.

NAUGHTY!

Ricky Caldwell: "You tend to get paranoid when everyone around you gets dead." 

Ricky Caldwell: "Fuck off... Doc!" 

NAUGHTY!

Review:

This film is one of my favorite comedies of all time. The problem with that statement is it's not a comedy but a horror film and lets okay with me. Every aspect of this film is funny as hell. Eric Freeman's acting is the most amazing thing on film stock ever! Each word is overblown and almost every time he talks he moves his eyebrows up and down. It's extremely noticeable onscreen, never has something been so noticeable. His acting is so bad here, its a one of a kind of pure greatness. I'm not make this a personal thing with Eric Freeman because he had nothing to work with, it wasn't his fault. Well he is part of it but in fact he is what makes this film watchable. I would like nothing but to interview him or even write something he could act in, something needs to happen nowadays he's that awesome.

Chip: "Listen Bud... that's what she said when I fucker her brains out on the backseat of old Red here." 

               NAUGHTY!

The whole film is 88 minutes. More then half of the film is the first one. Yep thats right they use the first film as flashbacks to the point it is more material then part 2. The funny thing about this is Ricky didn't have a lot of scenes in the first one. So Ricky tells about Billy's scene which he couldn't have known about. He wasn't even in the room in these flashbacks, so how could he have

known? And he didn't get to talk to his brother about the murders because Billy was killed. I have never seen any film do something like this, where a sequel uses the first film more then the new storyline. Sure you need to tell the viewer what happened to the family but not a hour of footage of the first film. Not sure if this was something planned or maybe to cut production cost. They writes say this was do to the first film getting dropped out of the theater. the producers wanted to re-edit it or make a part 2 with the first films footage to get it back in the theaters. Ether way the very little footage of a Part 2 is amazing enough to even out do the first in the crazy/funny/goofy category. 

They even used it for the movie they go see at the theater!

NAUGHTY!

Ricky Caldwell: "My old lady couldn't afford to send me to college. So I got a job. I was washing dishes, dumping trash... all that sort of shit. I think you're gonna like this next part. It sounded like some squirrel getting his nuts squeezed."

(Watch this video to see the single greatest part in any film ever!)

Ricky Caldwell: [Wielding an axe] "Oh Mother Superior! I've got a present for you!" 

 NAUGHTY!

Epilogue: 

Even with the all the plot holes and the using of a ton of the first film's footage for a sequel, this film still stands out as a B-Film masterpiece. Honestly both the first and second films are pure gold. Can't say that about the others that follow, but when people quote a film without seeing it or knowing a damn thing about it, that's when you know you have something special.

And boy is this film special.

NAUGHTY!

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31 Nights Of Halloween, FDR: American Badass

 

FDR: American Badass: BADASS

Werewolves, Werewolves, they're everywhere! 

Who can save the day? Who with the silver bullet can kill all these damn Werewolves?...

FDR, that's who!

Yep its pretty Badass!

Unlike Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

FDR runs with it and it works! They understand the subject matter of this film and they really do a fantastic job with it.

What can I say about this film but from start to finish my face had a smile on it. It is very funny, it has a vulgar, goofy humor to it... which I love way too much of!

To summarize the story without giving anything away. The film starts with an attack from a werewolf, which during this time FDR contracts polio after being bite from a werewolf. During his  hospital stay, he decides to run for president.  We also find out that the werewolves might of come from Germany.

With the help of Albert Einstein's wheelchair of death, FDR wins WW2 single handedly.

"I think the Werewolf might of come from Germany"


Franklin D. Roosevelt is played by Barry Bostwick this time around and its perfect. He really is the best thing about this movie. The dialogue is written with words like Cock, Mother Fucker, Bitch, Pimp and Word. It works so amazingly! The dialogue is the funnest thing I've heard in years. With FDR saying Pimp and Word just kills me.

Also another president pops up. Honestly I keep hoping they make a spin off with...Please make one, Pretty Please!

"This is Albert Einstein he's a real jackass..."

Now there a few scenes that lack. They could of been a bit better. But with all the crappy films that I keep seeing come out anymore, I really look over that and give this film a high grade. Its a good time that you shouldn't pass up.


Please watch this trailer and tell me it isn't funny!

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31 Nights of Halloween, Silent Night Deadly Night

Silent Night Deadly Night: Killer
(1984, 79mins, Horror)

Prologue: 

This was one of the fantastic films I saw at the Exhumed Film Festivals that I went too back in the good days. Like Burial Ground, Silent Night Deadly Night was one of my favorites that I saw there. I might even go as far as saying, Silent Night Deadly Night might be my favorite do to the sheer fun of watching this inside a packed theater at 2am. To see a film that came out way before I even step onto this planet inside a theater is one of the greatest pleasures I have ever had. There is something awesome about seeing a film like this on the big screen.

NAUGHTY!

The Opening:

The film starts out on Christmas Eve 1971, with the family driving to see their grandfather (who was Back to the Future's Pa Peabody). Mom, Dad, Billy and Ricky come to talk to Grandpop, put he just stares straight when they try. Everyone then leaves except Billy, who Grandpop begins to talk too.

He asks, "You scared, ain't ya? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!" He then asked if Billy was good this year, Billy says no and Grandpop brings to laugh saying, "You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!" Then the parents just happen to come back in and Grandpop stops talking acting like he was before they had left.

We cut to a man robbing a convenience store. He's dressed as Santa and shoots the convenience store guy dead. (I'm sure you can see where this is going)

"31 bucks. Merry fucking Christmas."

We come back to the family driving, in which they run into our killer Santa on the side of the road. They stop to see if he needs help. He pulls out his gun and kills the father. Billy gets out and runs. The mother jumps out and Santa begins to rape her as Billy watches. Santa then kills the mother and screams out into the darkness for the boy.

NAUGHTY!

Then we cut to building with a sign that reads, Saint Mary's Home for Orphaned Children. 

NAUGHTY!

From here on the fun begins! 

Officer Miller: "Can you believe this? It's Christmas Eve and we got orders to bring in Santa Claus." 

Review:

Silent Night Deadly Night is a fantastic B-Movie! 

It is a fantastic horror film and even in my house a fantastic Christmas film. If you have not seen this film it is a must. Sure the acting is atrocious and everything is over the top but it is a flat out good time, with so much comedy you will be laughing a ton. The gore, the 80's nudity and the great story of a guy dressed up as Santa Claus killing the shit out of people is enough to compel anyone to watch this B-movie masterpiece. After the first time I saw this film I wanted to watch it again, that's how much fun it is.

Anyone like a Classic 80's Montage! 

Ira Sims: [at closing time] "Seven o'clock... it's over! Time to get shit-faced!" 

NAUGHTY!

                                                                                    Epilogue:

When you finish this film, you will say to yourself. "Wow that was something, there is no way on earth they could make another that was better or even on par with the first one".

Well guess what they DID! They made the greatest sequel of all time...

Now For (Drum Roll)...

Silent Night Deadly Night: Part 2!


NAUGHTY!

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31 Nights of Halloween, The Monster Squad

The Monster Squad - Nards

The time of VHS was magical.  Along with HBO, nearly all my horror upbringing came from one or the other.  Growing up I would go to Blockbuster Video (RIP) every Friday and I was allowed to get one video.  I always found myself in the horror section, watching any movie I could get my hands on.  From cheesy B-movies to typical slasher fare, I ate it all up.  Growing up in the late 80s early 90s, I was also a huge fan of "The Goonies" and any coming-of-age movie where kids went on an adventure.  With that said, the day I saw "The Monster Squad" from 1987 is the day my interest in more classic horror began.

If you think about "The Monster Squad" as "The Goonies" of the horror genre you've hit the nail on the head.  The rundown goes like this;  a group of young horror fans, who call themselves "The Monster CLUB," stumble upon a plot by the newly resurrected Count Dracula.  The Count plans to obtain a mystical amulet used by Abraham Van Helsing to banish evil from Transylvania 100 years ago.  Only the Squad, a Scary German Guy, that kid* from "Kids Incorporated," a "virgin," and Frankenstein's Monster stand in Drac's way for world domination.

What I always thought was cool was the fact that Dracula was able to bring together a group of monsters to fight for him, which included The Wolf Man, Creature From the Black Lagoon (or The Gill Man if you will), and The Mummy.  Seeing that as a kid was astonishing, and considering that the late, great, Stan Winston did the creature effects was even more amazing.

Aside from Stan Winston, there were some really creative minds behind "Squad," including Fred Dekker, who directed the underrated "Night of the Creeps" which is pretty much the predecessor to the also shamefully underrated "Slither." And Shane Black, who you might have heard from that low budget movie that's coming out next year called "Iron Man 3."  This film has class written all over it.

The one complaint that I have about "Squad" is that upon watching it now, it does seem dated.  It's super 80s, in the same way that "The Lost Boys" seems dated.  Most movies, and this is especially true for the horror genre, all seem to be trapped in a time warp in the decade they were made.  Keep this in mind, I'm not saying dated is a bad thing, but this brings me to an important point.  Maybe this is the reason why all of these hack filmmakers want to re-do all these old horror movies for the new, hip (and stupid) "horror" audiences.  The good news with "Squad" is that it was PG-13 back in the 80s so they won't have to turn an R-rated movie into an audience friendly, and money making, PG-13 version.

"The Monster Squad" isn't all blood and guts, its actually a fun little movie and something I would show my kid(s) and not feel like I was corrupting their soul(s).  As October, and Halloween, comes to a close, take a break from the gore-fests that you might be enjoying and check out "The Monster Squad," and remember......"Wolf Man's got nards."

*that kid is Ryan Lambert

Fun Fact:  Bela Lugosi's "Dracula" and Boris Karloff's "Frankenstein" were both released in 1931 by Universal Pictures.

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